[Kazuma shouldn't be surprised to learn Ryunosuke had noticed something. He had always been the observant one, while Kazuma tended to go through life with horse blinders on. Part of him is almost relieved to know he hadn't been as imperceptible as he'd thought, that Ryunosuke had seen through him despite his best efforts. Part of him wants to demand in frustration why Ryunosuke hadn't said anything.
And a third part knows that it has never been Ryunosuke's responsibility to clean up Kazuma's mess, and yet he'd resolutely done so anyway.
It hurts, also, to have his own sentiment from Ryunosuke's trial reflected back at him. He wants to say it's not the same, that Kazuma defending Ryunosuke for a crime he truly hadn't committed is not the same as believing your best friend would probably not want to willingly participate in collusion, or even want to associate with you anymore if he knew you already had.
He also wants to say that his own unwillingness to trust is not Ryunosuke's fault; it's his own. In truth, there's nobody in the world he trusts more than Ryunosuke Naruhodo. The problem is instead with Kazuma Asogi. But even leaning against that thought feels overwhelming; he feels there's no way he could possibly shape it into words.]
Is that what you would have wanted me to do? Ask you to go on an assassination mission with me? Would you have said yes to that?
[Finally, he looks up to meet Ryunosuke's gaze. He isn't angry, but his gaze has hardened.]
What we were already doing was illegal enough. I wasn't going to involve you in that too.
[This, it seems, sort of gets Ryunosuke cross again. For a multitude of reasons, really. He levels a hard look right back at Kazuma, his arms still crossed, his dark eyes piercing.]
...Is that really how you would have asked me? If you had told me the truth from the beginning? 'Come on an assassination mission with me'?
[It's a rhetorical question, so he doesn't wait for an answer. His point is that Kazuma putting it that way now is a smokescreen, and he's not going to be tricked by it.]
You said in court that you never had any intention of actually carrying out that mission. And you already involved me by asking me to travel halfway around the world with you in the first place.
[This whole time, they've been dancing closer and closer to the biggest question Ryunosuke still has, and the one he's most fearful of the answer to. Now they're teetering on the edge of it. Kazuma saying he didn't want Ryunosuke to get involved in his mission implies, in his understanding, that Kazuma is suggesting he was just going to keep lying to Ryunosuke the entire time.
Ryunosuke doesn't want to accept that. He can't.
Even if Kazuma would have never willingly told him, he had to expect that Ryunosuke would get suspicious eventually. Maybe he even wanted Ryunosuke to figure it out, so that he wouldn't have to make the hard decision of choosing when to share it. It's either that, or... He must have thought Ryunosuke was very stupid indeed.]
So what was your plan then, Kazuma? If you hadn't lost your memories that night, if we hadn't been separated all those months... Were you really just never going to tell me what it was you were after? Because if that's the case then, why... Why did you bring me with you in the first place?!
Kazuma's eyes widen as he realizes his misstep. Of course Ryunosuke would see right through him, and shame floods him for even having tried. He should know better by now, but when has that ever not been the case?
The silence stretches for several moments after, Ryunosuke's words ringing in the air. Kazuma's face stays placid as he gathers his thoughts; to his credit, he doesn't drop his gaze. Fine, then. He will give Ryunosuke the respect he deserves and answer him with the truth, as he should have done in the first place.
...Or some of it, at least. He can only hope his friend forgives him, but there are some things he isn't ready to speak aloud yet, not even to himself. He is trying, but... not that, not yet.]
I was going to tell you. I can promise you that. I was trying to work up the nerve to do it when... all of that happened. I know that doesn't mean much now, but it's the truth.
[At the very least, even if he'd never managed to do so on the Burya, he'd certainly have done so once they got to London. He'd never have been able to hide his investigation from Ryunosuke, if nothing else.]
[Ryunosuke's hackles were starting to go up just moments ago, but now his expression softens. Some of the tension even leaves his shoulders. The look he's giving Kazuma is still... Complicated. Sad and searching, grateful and concerned. It reassures him, but it also doesn't answer his biggest question.]
...It means more than you'd think. And... I believe you. For whatever that's worth.
[He lets out soft exhale through his nose, finally letting his hands rest more comfortably in his lap.]
I'm sure it wasn't easy for you. That's what truly grieves me... That you were carrying the burden of this knowledge for so long, all on your own. I knew something wasn't quite right, but, I never pried because... Hah. I thought we'd have the whole rest of the journey across the sea, for you to get around to explaining. If I'd had even an inkling of just how grim a predicament you were in...
[Kazuma's gaze drops again to his own hands, unable to bear looking at the expression on Ryunosuke's face directly. He wishes this were easier to do; he wishes he could be forthcoming with the answers Ryunosuke so deserves. The silence stretches again, but this time it feels tense and delicate, like the moment is holding its breath. Or maybe that's just him.
Part of him just wants to concede. To just say yes, it's been so hard. That he's dealt with this by himself for so long, not just for the past year but the past ten, the past sixteen--and it's been so lonely, and exhausting, and terrifying, and Kazuma is so tired. The truth that Ryunosuke is looking for is that one: that Kazuma has been drowning for so long he's forgotten what it's like to breathe easily, and being with Ryunosuke makes him feel like he has air. If he hadn't had that with him when descending into the hell that London was certain to be, he probably would never have come back.
But in the end it was all still a grave he'd dug himself, and Ryunosuke deserves to understand that, too.]
It wasn't your fault. That I never said anything. [The words come out strangely hesitant, uncertain; uncharacteristic of him. This is something he's never said aloud before.]
It's always been difficult for me to... accept help from other people. I didn't know how to ask it from you when the time came. [He takes a deep breath, released in a shaky exhale.] I'm sorry I wasn't able to trust you with it sooner.
[The shift in Kazuma's tone is striking, and impossible for Ryunosuke to miss.]
Kazuma...
[He looks at him sadly, unsure for a moment how he should even respond to that. Truthfully, it feels like something that Kazuma shouldn't have to apologize for. Either he had felt ready to trust, or he didn't. For all either of them knows, forcing the matter might not have done either party any favors.]
It's alright. But... Thank you, for saying so.
[Ryunosuke knows that can't have been easy for him to admit to... That he was able to do so in the end, though? That's progress.
He smiles then. Exhausted, perhaps a bit strained... But there's encouragement in there too.]
I think, for some people, it's something that comes naturally. For others... It's a skill that has to honed over time. My greatest hope for you now is that, perhaps... It will be a bit easier, from now on. For you to accept that you don't have to do everything on your own.
[Kazuma continues to look down at his hands as Ryunosuke speaks, letting the words settle over him. He feels... strange, having said that aloud. Like an exposed nerve, stressed and frayed and oddly sensitive. And it isn't as though he expected a different reaction from Ryunosuke, as endlessly understanding and compassionate as he is, but the weight of that understanding is still somehow unbearable. In the face of Ryunosuke's softness, all Kazuma wants to do is curl up and hide.
He hates it. He wishes he could do what Ryunosuke wants and just talk to him like a normal human being. He wishes it was easier to reciprocate his honesty, and he wishes he knew why it was so difficult to do in the first place. He already trusts Ryunosuke more than anyone else in the world, and he wants him to know that--so why can't he just show it?
Finally, at length, he nods.]
I'll... try.
[It's all he can promise, but he means it. He does. He wants to be someone who can trust, who can be honest, eventually; with Ryunosuke especially. For now, though, he feels wrung out and worn thin; a little raw. The heaviness of the conversation hanging over them feels oppressive, and Kazuma cracks a smirk to try and lessen it a little.]
Hopefully we'll never find ourselves in a mess like that again, at least.
He can see that Kazuma is still troubled, but Ryunosuke knows better than to keep pushing right this moment. This isn't something that he can just fix for Kazuma, and it isn't something that's going to be fixed overnight, either. It's going to take time. And besides... They both seem to have reached their emotional limit for this conversation.
He'll let it go for now.
Kazuma's comment then gets a bit of a good natured groan out of Ryunosuke, who pulls a Face at the very idea.
"I can't even begin to imagine something like that happening twice," he snorts, before his expression shifts to something more seriously contemplative. "Although... I think in some ways, we were still fairly lucky, weren't we? Not that it was easy, mind, it's just... Things could have turned out far worse. We did find the truth, in the end."
Even if it hadn't been an easy one for any of them to accept.
[Kazuma wants to say: you did. He's under no illusions about his contributions to that particular circus, but he knows he did more harm than good. Everything would have gone very badly indeed if Ryunosuke hadn't been there to sort out Kazuma's mess. If things had been left to him, another innocent man would be dead and Stronghart would still be at large.
But Kazuma knows if he says so, Ryunosuke will insist otherwise. And that isn't a conversation he wants to have right now, as exhausted as he is. So he won't.]
"Lucky" is a word for it. Sometimes I'm not sure how you pulled it off at all.
[Teasing, of course. The truth is, only Ryunosuke could have done it.]
LMAO I didn't even realize I accidentally switched to prose on the last tag
[Ryunosuke laughs, shaking his head. But just as Kazuma anticipates, he's quick to correct the sentiment.]
Please... You make it sound like I did it on my own, but you know that's not the case.
[He's a bit too wrung out to be launching into any inspirational speeches about teamwork at the moment, at least. Though on that note, a troubling thought bubbles to the surface of Ryunosuke's mind, and his expression turns slightly uneasy.]
Hey... Kazuma? Even if I decide I can't help with this mission, and you do stay... You will still go back to London eventually. Won't you?
[It falls out of his mouth as easily as breathing.]
Of course I will.
[Immediately, his heart hammers in his chest, and he doesn't know why. It isn't a lie. He does intend to simply assist with the orb situation for its own sake, because it feels more immediately important than having to wade through the ruins of another country's justice system, and one about which he continues to harbor some very bitter feelings. It's tangible and straightforward. There is no ulterior motive here.
This is what he wants to believe of himself, anyway, and if he insists it enough perhaps it will even be the truth. The statement seems to hang impossibly on the line between true and not: it isn't a lie yet. And if it becomes one--
Ryunosuke will never know.
Kazuma's mouth goes dry. He tells himself: if you don't want it to be a lie, don't make it one. It doesn't make him feel any less sick with guilt. But that's also a very familiar feeling, and he's well practiced at going through the motions despite it.]
We made a promise, didn't we?
[His warm smile is as much an attempt to reassure himself as it is Ryunosuke.]
[He says it so quickly, so easily. There's very little in Kazuma's demeanor that would give Ryunosuke any reason to doubt what he says.
So... Why does some small part of him feel so uneasy about this?
Is it possible that Ryunosuke's trust in his best friend has been so damaged, he can't even give Kazuma the benefit of the doubt? Can he no longer find it in himself, to have faith that his partner will keep his promises? Or... Are Ryunosuke's instincts-- the very thing he honed and learned to trust in during all those months in London-- legitimately trying to warn him of something?
He doesn't know. But the uncertainty leaves him feeling cold, somewhere in the deepest recesses of his soul. Is it any wonder that he still doesn't look totally reassured, in the end?
He still smiles back, though. It's tinged with hints of sadness and uncertainty, but it's also warm and affectionate and full of all his want to believe the best of his friend. Ryunosuke holds his hand out across the table expectantly, ready to briefly grasp Kazuma's own in a sort of reaffirmation of that promise.]
We certainly did, partner.
I... Have much to think about, before I make any kind of decision, but... It will be easier to make, knowing we'll still see that promise through together.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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And a third part knows that it has never been Ryunosuke's responsibility to clean up Kazuma's mess, and yet he'd resolutely done so anyway.
It hurts, also, to have his own sentiment from Ryunosuke's trial reflected back at him. He wants to say it's not the same, that Kazuma defending Ryunosuke for a crime he truly hadn't committed is not the same as believing your best friend would probably not want to willingly participate in collusion, or even want to associate with you anymore if he knew you already had.
He also wants to say that his own unwillingness to trust is not Ryunosuke's fault; it's his own. In truth, there's nobody in the world he trusts more than Ryunosuke Naruhodo. The problem is instead with Kazuma Asogi. But even leaning against that thought feels overwhelming; he feels there's no way he could possibly shape it into words.]
Is that what you would have wanted me to do? Ask you to go on an assassination mission with me? Would you have said yes to that?
[Finally, he looks up to meet Ryunosuke's gaze. He isn't angry, but his gaze has hardened.]
What we were already doing was illegal enough. I wasn't going to involve you in that too.
no subject
...Is that really how you would have asked me? If you had told me the truth from the beginning? 'Come on an assassination mission with me'?
[It's a rhetorical question, so he doesn't wait for an answer. His point is that Kazuma putting it that way now is a smokescreen, and he's not going to be tricked by it.]
You said in court that you never had any intention of actually carrying out that mission. And you already involved me by asking me to travel halfway around the world with you in the first place.
[This whole time, they've been dancing closer and closer to the biggest question Ryunosuke still has, and the one he's most fearful of the answer to. Now they're teetering on the edge of it. Kazuma saying he didn't want Ryunosuke to get involved in his mission implies, in his understanding, that Kazuma is suggesting he was just going to keep lying to Ryunosuke the entire time.
Ryunosuke doesn't want to accept that. He can't.
Even if Kazuma would have never willingly told him, he had to expect that Ryunosuke would get suspicious eventually. Maybe he even wanted Ryunosuke to figure it out, so that he wouldn't have to make the hard decision of choosing when to share it. It's either that, or... He must have thought Ryunosuke was very stupid indeed.]
So what was your plan then, Kazuma? If you hadn't lost your memories that night, if we hadn't been separated all those months... Were you really just never going to tell me what it was you were after? Because if that's the case then, why... Why did you bring me with you in the first place?!
no subject
Kazuma's eyes widen as he realizes his misstep. Of course Ryunosuke would see right through him, and shame floods him for even having tried. He should know better by now, but when has that ever not been the case?
The silence stretches for several moments after, Ryunosuke's words ringing in the air. Kazuma's face stays placid as he gathers his thoughts; to his credit, he doesn't drop his gaze. Fine, then. He will give Ryunosuke the respect he deserves and answer him with the truth, as he should have done in the first place.
...Or some of it, at least. He can only hope his friend forgives him, but there are some things he isn't ready to speak aloud yet, not even to himself. He is trying, but... not that, not yet.]
I was going to tell you. I can promise you that. I was trying to work up the nerve to do it when... all of that happened. I know that doesn't mean much now, but it's the truth.
[At the very least, even if he'd never managed to do so on the Burya, he'd certainly have done so once they got to London. He'd never have been able to hide his investigation from Ryunosuke, if nothing else.]
no subject
...It means more than you'd think. And... I believe you. For whatever that's worth.
[He lets out soft exhale through his nose, finally letting his hands rest more comfortably in his lap.]
I'm sure it wasn't easy for you. That's what truly grieves me... That you were carrying the burden of this knowledge for so long, all on your own. I knew something wasn't quite right, but, I never pried because... Hah. I thought we'd have the whole rest of the journey across the sea, for you to get around to explaining. If I'd had even an inkling of just how grim a predicament you were in...
[He shakes his head.]
Well. It's all just speculation now, I suppose...
no subject
Part of him just wants to concede. To just say yes, it's been so hard. That he's dealt with this by himself for so long, not just for the past year but the past ten, the past sixteen--and it's been so lonely, and exhausting, and terrifying, and Kazuma is so tired. The truth that Ryunosuke is looking for is that one: that Kazuma has been drowning for so long he's forgotten what it's like to breathe easily, and being with Ryunosuke makes him feel like he has air. If he hadn't had that with him when descending into the hell that London was certain to be, he probably would never have come back.
But in the end it was all still a grave he'd dug himself, and Ryunosuke deserves to understand that, too.]
It wasn't your fault. That I never said anything. [The words come out strangely hesitant, uncertain; uncharacteristic of him. This is something he's never said aloud before.]
It's always been difficult for me to... accept help from other people. I didn't know how to ask it from you when the time came. [He takes a deep breath, released in a shaky exhale.] I'm sorry I wasn't able to trust you with it sooner.
no subject
Kazuma...
[He looks at him sadly, unsure for a moment how he should even respond to that. Truthfully, it feels like something that Kazuma shouldn't have to apologize for. Either he had felt ready to trust, or he didn't. For all either of them knows, forcing the matter might not have done either party any favors.]
It's alright. But... Thank you, for saying so.
[Ryunosuke knows that can't have been easy for him to admit to... That he was able to do so in the end, though? That's progress.
He smiles then. Exhausted, perhaps a bit strained... But there's encouragement in there too.]
I think, for some people, it's something that comes naturally. For others... It's a skill that has to honed over time. My greatest hope for you now is that, perhaps... It will be a bit easier, from now on. For you to accept that you don't have to do everything on your own.
no subject
He hates it. He wishes he could do what Ryunosuke wants and just talk to him like a normal human being. He wishes it was easier to reciprocate his honesty, and he wishes he knew why it was so difficult to do in the first place. He already trusts Ryunosuke more than anyone else in the world, and he wants him to know that--so why can't he just show it?
Finally, at length, he nods.]
I'll... try.
[It's all he can promise, but he means it. He does. He wants to be someone who can trust, who can be honest, eventually; with Ryunosuke especially. For now, though, he feels wrung out and worn thin; a little raw. The heaviness of the conversation hanging over them feels oppressive, and Kazuma cracks a smirk to try and lessen it a little.]
Hopefully we'll never find ourselves in a mess like that again, at least.
no subject
He'll let it go for now.
Kazuma's comment then gets a bit of a good natured groan out of Ryunosuke, who pulls a Face at the very idea.
"I can't even begin to imagine something like that happening twice," he snorts, before his expression shifts to something more seriously contemplative. "Although... I think in some ways, we were still fairly lucky, weren't we? Not that it was easy, mind, it's just... Things could have turned out far worse. We did find the truth, in the end."
Even if it hadn't been an easy one for any of them to accept.
no subject
But Kazuma knows if he says so, Ryunosuke will insist otherwise. And that isn't a conversation he wants to have right now, as exhausted as he is. So he won't.]
"Lucky" is a word for it. Sometimes I'm not sure how you pulled it off at all.
[Teasing, of course. The truth is, only Ryunosuke could have done it.]
LMAO I didn't even realize I accidentally switched to prose on the last tag
Please... You make it sound like I did it on my own, but you know that's not the case.
[He's a bit too wrung out to be launching into any inspirational speeches about teamwork at the moment, at least. Though on that note, a troubling thought bubbles to the surface of Ryunosuke's mind, and his expression turns slightly uneasy.]
Hey... Kazuma? Even if I decide I can't help with this mission, and you do stay... You will still go back to London eventually. Won't you?
it's all the same thing tbh 🤷
Of course I will.
[Immediately, his heart hammers in his chest, and he doesn't know why. It isn't a lie. He does intend to simply assist with the orb situation for its own sake, because it feels more immediately important than having to wade through the ruins of another country's justice system, and one about which he continues to harbor some very bitter feelings. It's tangible and straightforward. There is no ulterior motive here.
This is what he wants to believe of himself, anyway, and if he insists it enough perhaps it will even be the truth. The statement seems to hang impossibly on the line between true and not: it isn't a lie yet. And if it becomes one--
Ryunosuke will never know.
Kazuma's mouth goes dry. He tells himself: if you don't want it to be a lie, don't make it one. It doesn't make him feel any less sick with guilt. But that's also a very familiar feeling, and he's well practiced at going through the motions despite it.]
We made a promise, didn't we?
[His warm smile is as much an attempt to reassure himself as it is Ryunosuke.]
no subject
So... Why does some small part of him feel so uneasy about this?
Is it possible that Ryunosuke's trust in his best friend has been so damaged, he can't even give Kazuma the benefit of the doubt? Can he no longer find it in himself, to have faith that his partner will keep his promises? Or... Are Ryunosuke's instincts-- the very thing he honed and learned to trust in during all those months in London-- legitimately trying to warn him of something?
He doesn't know. But the uncertainty leaves him feeling cold, somewhere in the deepest recesses of his soul. Is it any wonder that he still doesn't look totally reassured, in the end?
He still smiles back, though. It's tinged with hints of sadness and uncertainty, but it's also warm and affectionate and full of all his want to believe the best of his friend. Ryunosuke holds his hand out across the table expectantly, ready to briefly grasp Kazuma's own in a sort of reaffirmation of that promise.]
We certainly did, partner.
I... Have much to think about, before I make any kind of decision, but... It will be easier to make, knowing we'll still see that promise through together.