[There it is. The topic they've been dancing around since they'd been brought here. They've mercifully been left behind by the rest of the party by now, which gives them some semblance of privacy, and that's the only reason Kazuma lets himself sag, a bitter smile crawling its way onto his face.]
I'm surprised you even need to ask me that, Ryunosuke.
[No, it isn't. Kazuma closes his eyes, the smile slipping off his face. He's avoided this long enough.]
I never should have agreed to the exchange in the first place.
[There.
Shouldn't it feel like a release, to admit something? Instead it feels like something heavy is pressing on his chest, forcing the air from his lungs. His expression is stony as he opens his eyes to look at Ryunosuke directly, searching his face for a reaction. Did he expect something different? Did he expect Kazuma to say attacking Gregson, or asking Ryunosuke to come with him to Great Britain?
(Perhaps that's what Kazuma should regret, or at least that he wasn't honest with Ryunosuke about why, but... he can't bring himself to regret asking at all. Not even knowing how much it had uprooted Ryunosuke's entire life. In that way, he's still selfish.)]
[For a long few moments, the admission hangs in the air between them. Ryunosuke stares back at him, his face unreadable for once. There isn't really an expression he can make that would adequately encompass all the complicated things he's feeling anyway...
After a few more agonizing seconds, he exhales a breath he hadn't realized he was even holding, and rubs his forehead in vexation.]
...I understand why you did, though.
[With no other means of reaching Great Britain, and the mystery of his father's death hanging over his head? Even if Ryunosuke doesn't fully approve, he understands completely why Kazuma agreed to the arrangement.]
I suppose I'm just... Shocked. You... You would really rather go back to a time where you're in the dark once more, and your father remains unjustly branded a villain?
[Kazuma grimaces, his hands clenching into fists. He knew Ryunosuke wouldn't fully understand, and that's why he hadn't said anything before now--or that's what he tells himself. How to explain that some of the truths exposed by that trial are too unbearable to live with? Ryunosuke couldn't know. He can walk forward knowing he never lost his integrity, that he made the noble choice at every turn and succeeded nonetheless. Kazuma has had to live with the man the trial exposed him to be every day since.]
I want to go back to a time before...
[He mumbles it out, and then trails off without meaning to, because the words he wants to say won't come together even in the safety of his own mind. He simply thinks of that moment, over a year ago, when Seishiro Jigoku had offered him a horrible bargain and imagines instead saying No, and the future that could have spun from that. One where he'd never learn what happened to his father, true, and he knows that's a world he'd still be miserable in, but it would be all the same to Genshin Asogi, still a faceless corpse in a nameless grave--knowing the truth doesn't change what's already happened. And in exchange--
He would not have allied himself with the man who had murdered his father in the first place. It makes him want to vomit, thinking how he'd been played for such a fool, how Jigoku had seemingly offered him a lifeline when he'd been responsible for all Kazuma's turmoil to begin with. He'd never have had to bear Ryunosuke's disappointment; they could stay the way they had been, innocent and uncomplicated and happy. Kazuma wouldn't have betrayed him, or Susato, or Mikotoba. He would never have had to lie to them. He wouldn't have to spend almost a year as a ghost, leaving himself to wonder afterward whether he'd hadn't lost parts of himself in the journey after all. He would never have raised his sword against Gregson. He would never have been hell-bent on convicting the wrong man and sold his soul in the process. He'd never have to confront what he's really capable of.
He does want that. Perhaps he'd still be miserable, sure, but at least he'd be secure in his own worth. At least, back then, he hadn't failed himself yet. He could continue on in blissful ignorance of that part of himself, knowing he'd taken the noble path.
But he doesn't know how to say any of that. So he shifts to something easier, and hopes Ryunosuke is perceptive enough to meet him halfway.]
[It's true. Ryunosuke can only imagine the struggles that Kazuma will have to face in the aftermath of everything. He's not unaware of that, nor is he unsympathetic. Really, he wishes with all his heart they could be of one mind about this. But the truth is... Now that the truth is out, the only thing Ryunosuke can think of are the numerous other lives that might wind up changed, or irrevocably ruined, if Kazuma goes through with this.
It feels cruel, though. To bring that up right now, to call him selfish in the face of this extraordinarily rare admission of vulnerability. So instead, Ryunosuke focuses on the road ahead, his expression somber.]
...It was.
[He can't disagree with that.]
But... You know that simpler doesn't always mean better, Kazuma.
[Kazuma does know. Of course he does. This is precisely why he needs Ryunosuke near him, to make Kazuma see sense when he's lost the thread of it himself. It's precisely what he values Ryunosuke for: the truth.
He just wishes that, just once, the truth could be a little easier to bear.
Kazuma sighs, massaging the bridge of his nose, and simply nods. It's not quite agreement, but it is a concession: he doesn't have a counterargument. Or, at least, he doesn't have one that he feels equipped to make at the moment.]
Can we... talk about this later? After the mission? [He winces; it sounds exactly like a dodge.] I promise I won't avoid it. I just... don't want to do this here.
[Something about not being in his own body makes him even less willing to put himself through emotional distressing conversations than usual. That, and the party has quite left them both in the dust at this point.]
[It does sound exactly like a dodge, and the look on Ryunosuke's face when Kazuma first says it indicates that's how he's reading it. But once Kazuma clarifies, he softens a little, and nods his assent.]
Yes... Alright. I suppose this isn't exactly the ideal time or place, is it?
[He squares his shoulders, ready to start walking again.]
Just one last thing, Kazuma: If you really feel the need to participate in these demands that the orbs hand out...? Don't involve me. Please. I don't want any part of it.
[They're not even from the same timeline, sure. But Ryunosuke knows his counterpart would feel exactly the same way, if he were here to hear all this. So he refuses to play a part in it. In undoing everything.
He starts walking again, that being his final word on the matter, at least for now. They can talk about something else while they try to catch up to the rest of the party. Anything else, ideally.]
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I'm surprised you even need to ask me that, Ryunosuke.
[After all, he has plenty to choose from.]
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That's not a real answer, Kazuma!
[He is beyond agitated by this.]
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I never should have agreed to the exchange in the first place.
[There.
Shouldn't it feel like a release, to admit something? Instead it feels like something heavy is pressing on his chest, forcing the air from his lungs. His expression is stony as he opens his eyes to look at Ryunosuke directly, searching his face for a reaction. Did he expect something different? Did he expect Kazuma to say attacking Gregson, or asking Ryunosuke to come with him to Great Britain?
(Perhaps that's what Kazuma should regret, or at least that he wasn't honest with Ryunosuke about why, but... he can't bring himself to regret asking at all. Not even knowing how much it had uprooted Ryunosuke's entire life. In that way, he's still selfish.)]
no subject
After a few more agonizing seconds, he exhales a breath he hadn't realized he was even holding, and rubs his forehead in vexation.]
...I understand why you did, though.
[With no other means of reaching Great Britain, and the mystery of his father's death hanging over his head? Even if Ryunosuke doesn't fully approve, he understands completely why Kazuma agreed to the arrangement.]
I suppose I'm just... Shocked. You... You would really rather go back to a time where you're in the dark once more, and your father remains unjustly branded a villain?
no subject
I want to go back to a time before...
[He mumbles it out, and then trails off without meaning to, because the words he wants to say won't come together even in the safety of his own mind. He simply thinks of that moment, over a year ago, when Seishiro Jigoku had offered him a horrible bargain and imagines instead saying No, and the future that could have spun from that. One where he'd never learn what happened to his father, true, and he knows that's a world he'd still be miserable in, but it would be all the same to Genshin Asogi, still a faceless corpse in a nameless grave--knowing the truth doesn't change what's already happened. And in exchange--
He would not have allied himself with the man who had murdered his father in the first place. It makes him want to vomit, thinking how he'd been played for such a fool, how Jigoku had seemingly offered him a lifeline when he'd been responsible for all Kazuma's turmoil to begin with. He'd never have had to bear Ryunosuke's disappointment; they could stay the way they had been, innocent and uncomplicated and happy. Kazuma wouldn't have betrayed him, or Susato, or Mikotoba. He would never have had to lie to them. He wouldn't have to spend almost a year as a ghost, leaving himself to wonder afterward whether he'd hadn't lost parts of himself in the journey after all. He would never have raised his sword against Gregson. He would never have been hell-bent on convicting the wrong man and sold his soul in the process. He'd never have to confront what he's really capable of.
He does want that. Perhaps he'd still be miserable, sure, but at least he'd be secure in his own worth. At least, back then, he hadn't failed himself yet. He could continue on in blissful ignorance of that part of himself, knowing he'd taken the noble path.
But he doesn't know how to say any of that. So he shifts to something easier, and hopes Ryunosuke is perceptive enough to meet him halfway.]
It was just... so much simpler back then.
no subject
It feels cruel, though. To bring that up right now, to call him selfish in the face of this extraordinarily rare admission of vulnerability. So instead, Ryunosuke focuses on the road ahead, his expression somber.]
...It was.
[He can't disagree with that.]
But... You know that simpler doesn't always mean better, Kazuma.
no subject
He just wishes that, just once, the truth could be a little easier to bear.
Kazuma sighs, massaging the bridge of his nose, and simply nods. It's not quite agreement, but it is a concession: he doesn't have a counterargument. Or, at least, he doesn't have one that he feels equipped to make at the moment.]
Can we... talk about this later? After the mission? [He winces; it sounds exactly like a dodge.] I promise I won't avoid it. I just... don't want to do this here.
[Something about not being in his own body makes him even less willing to put himself through emotional distressing conversations than usual. That, and the party has quite left them both in the dust at this point.]
no subject
Yes... Alright. I suppose this isn't exactly the ideal time or place, is it?
[He squares his shoulders, ready to start walking again.]
Just one last thing, Kazuma: If you really feel the need to participate in these demands that the orbs hand out...? Don't involve me. Please. I don't want any part of it.
[They're not even from the same timeline, sure. But Ryunosuke knows his counterpart would feel exactly the same way, if he were here to hear all this. So he refuses to play a part in it. In undoing everything.
He starts walking again, that being his final word on the matter, at least for now. They can talk about something else while they try to catch up to the rest of the party. Anything else, ideally.]