[In spite of himself, Ryunosuke can't help but soften a little. Staying mad is another thing he's in no condition for, even if he actually possessed the desire to do so.
Like always, he's still watching Kazuma closely while he reacts. Ryunosuke can usually pick up on the discord in his friend's heart without needing him to put it all to precise words... But it also doesn't take an emotional genius to figure out that continuing to harp on the point right now would just be kicking the man while he's down.]
...Just a bit, yes.
[there's a slight teasing cadence to those words and the ones yet to come, a bit of playful sarcasm to ease the tension.]
And yet, incredibly, I remain glad that you're the person who was here waiting for me when I woke up.
[Kazuma may keep making mistakes, but he is at least hearing Ryunosuke out. He's still making an effort.
As long as he keeps doing that, Ryunosuke could never be truly disappointed in him.]
[There was never a chance Kazuma could be anywhere else--and yet it still does something to him to hear Ryunosuke say it aloud, to have him affirm that he does still consider Kazuma his best friend after everything. For a moment Kazuma can only look at him in something a little like wonder.
He knows it isn't fair to either of them to think he doesn't deserve Ryunosuke's forgiveness, but he remains endlessly grateful to have it.
Kazuma doesn't truly have anything to say in response; instead, in an echo of a past conversation of this kind, he moves his hand next to Ryunosuke's--not close enough to touch, but close enough to be an offer. To comfort him in kind is the least he can do.]
[Ryunosuke's eyes flick to it briefly, considering... And then he carefully gathers Kazuma's hand up in his own.
It's just a normal clasp. He doesn't thread his fingers into Kazuma's, or anything like that... But he takes up his friend's hand, and he squeezes it lightly, radiating solidarity and comfort through the gesture.]
I know you must have been worried... I will try to be more careful from now on. Alright?
[Kazuma squeezes Ryunosuke's hand back, exhaling out the relief he feels. No matter how many times Ryunosuke proves his own faith, a part of Kazuma is always afraid that the next time Kazuma reaches out, tries to do his part to close the gap between them, will be the time Ryunosuke changes his mind and rejects him. He wonders if Ryunosuke really understands just how "worried" Kazuma was. If he really understands the true importance their relationship has for Kazuma.
What would Ryunosuke do if Kazuma were to lean in and kiss him right now?
For a single, blinding, impulsive moment, he almost does it. He can almost imagine the way Ryunosuke might even reciprocate--because Kazuma might be an idiot sometimes but he isn't insane, he's sure there's something there--he can picture Ryunosuke jerking away in surprise, then blushing, then maybe a slow smile spreading across his face as he realizes what Kazuma means. Or maybe he'd surprise Kazuma with his perception as he always does and realize immediately and kiss him back.
Or maybe Kazuma is wrong yet again, and Ryunosuke would only squawk in confusion and disgust, the moment ruined. Or worse: maybe he would get angry that Kazuma would choose to do this at such an inappropriate moment. Kazuma can all too easily imagine that too. And so he stays where he is, and does nothing.
But he finds he cannot simply sit and stew in these feelings as they are, either, and so he attempts to express them a different way. Even if it feels like a similarly sensitive topic.]
I don't think I had truly realized it before, but. [He swallows.] Is this... what it felt like? When you thought I was dead?
[Were he in a better state... If he was in any condition to be as attentive to the tells of the people around him as he might usually be? Ryunosuke might have caught that wild split second, when Kazuma considers taking the plunge. Maybe he would have even guessed what it meant. It's more likely he wouldn't have, and would have simply clocked it as a strange moment to take note of. But as things stand, he's exhausted, and when the moment happens, he's busy settling back on his pillows, eyes closed as he feels out a comfier resting position.
His hand is still in Kazuma's though, and it stills eerily, before squeezing a little tighter at the question.]
...Probably, [he laughs, a little uncertainly. He's not opposed to discussing this; they probably need to. And any moment of vulnerability from Kazuma where he isn't being irritatingly hypocritical (see above), should probably be capitalized on. But... Ryunosuke also isn't sure how to answer that honestly.] Similar, at least.
With that, I... Didn't even have the chance to be terrified for you. By the time I woke up, you were already gone... In multiple senses of the word.
['Gone' as in his life was already extinguished, but also he was literally gone. Only an outline on the floor to indicate where the body had been. Ryunosuke glances away, grimacing at the memory of it.]
To be honest, more than anything else? At least at first, what I felt was just. Angry...
[Angry at whoever had really done it. It had helped drive him, to insist upon investigating. He'd wanted to find the true perpetrator, and see that they paid for what they did. And then, after the truth of the incident came out? He was angry at everything. Angry at the gods for letting it happen, angry at himself for letting it happen... Angry over how it was all such a tragic, pointless waste...]
Angry and then... Hollow. Like a part of my soul had been scooped out.
[...Ah. And just now, something clicks into place.]
...I was being selfish, when I threw you aside during that fight. [Back on Aldyhion.] Selfish and cowardly; it happened so fast, but I remember thinking that I just couldn't do that again...
[In spite of himself--it's certainly the wrong response in this situation--Kazuma finds a soft smile emerging on his face. There is something ridiculous about this, isn't there, about them arguing over who isn't allowed to be injured.]
I suppose I can't fault you too much for that... I'd likely have done the same thing, were our positions reversed.
[Then, though, he forces himself to sober. What Ryunosuke has just shared deserves a serious response, though Kazuma finds himself at a loss for one. It's difficult to really comprehend the reality of Ryunosuke's grief, when Kazuma himself had spent the time completely unaware anyone had existed to miss him. And then everything afterward had happened so quickly...
They've already had this conversation, but Kazuma suddenly feels like the scope of it is only hitting him now that he's come close to losing his partner in turn. Ryunosuke mourned him for nine months. And that might be the one part of that whole disaster that wasn't Kazuma's fault, but he's inexpressibly sorry for it anyway.
(Something else that will be fixed if-- his traitor mind whispers, but he shuts that down before it can form.) Instead, he runs his thumb across Ryunosuke's knuckles both as a comforting gesture and as a way to distract himself, and not for the first time feels grateful that Ryunosuke is too clueless to really register the intimacy of it.
There really isn't anything he can think to say, so he steadies himself by taking a long, slow breath.]
Well. If we can't keep each other from danger, perhaps we ought to focus on better preparing ourselves for it instead. [There's no better distraction than having a goal, after all.]
[Well... He's mostly clueless. The knuckle brushing honestly catches him a little off guard with how tender and intimate it feels, which does at least distract him from his moment of guilt... But the tradeoff is that he can feel a dangerous blush threatening to rise to his cheeks.
Ryunosuke latches on to Kazuma's suggestion quickly, using it to quash down a flustered reaction.
(Later. He can wonder about what the heck this means later.)]
Aaaactually... I was going to suggest the same thing. [He grins awkwardly.] I kept thinking during that fight, how I really wished I hadn't let myself go so long without any kenjutsu practice...
[The effect on Kazuma's mood is so immediate it could be considered comical. For a beat, he just gawks at Ryunosuke in surprise, and then shores up so completely it's almost like he hadn't been moping at all. Letting go of Ryunosuke's hand, he leans back in his chair and crosses his arms to fix Ryunosuke with a knowing look.]
That's a very good idea. Your technique does need work. [Not that he was observing Ryunosuke during the fight or anything.] If you're to wield Karuma, you must be a worthy practitioner of the art. The way of the katana deserves your respect, Ryunosuke Naruhodo!
(Mingled relief and disappointment mutter at each other in the deeper recesses of Ryunosuke's brain, when Kazuma lets go of his hand. EXAMINE. THAT. LATER...)
That reaction is kind of comical, but in a way that makes Ryunosuke feel incredibly fond. It... Also makes him worry just a bit, wondering what he's gotten himself into by suggesting this. But the important thing for now is that it cheers Kazuma up, which cheers Ryunosuke up in turn.]
Haah, alright, alright, point well taken... Although we'll have to wait until this heals up before we can really get started, I'm afraid. [He lifts his injured arm slightly, wincing.] I wonder if that replicator device can make us a couple of practice swords--?
[He breaks off, blinking, and then glances around the infirmary with an increasingly anxious expression.]
W-wait. Karuma... Where is it? It, it didn't get left behind, did it?
[Kazuma probably wouldn't have mentioned it by name like that if something HAD happened to it, but Ryunosuke can't help but grow a little bit panicked. HIS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT SWORD--?]
You only just now noticed it was gone? You're its trusted guardian!
[Okay, he's kidding, and his glare lacks real heat; Ryunosuke understandably had reasons to be distracted. Kazuma can't risk his best friend feeling guilty anyway, so he lets a grin fully spread across his face.] Don't worry, Professor Mikotoba took it back to your quarters. We'll still be using practice swords, though. You have a long way to go before you can wield Karuma in battle. [Disregarding the fact that he already did... Kazuma raps a knuckle against Ryunosuke's forehead, but so lightly that it barely even makes contact. He's still wary of contributing to Ryunosuke's injuries even slightly.
Then he stops short, as if something just occurred to him.] Oh--here. [He turns, and reaches behind him to where the bread has been sitting ever since Finn brought it.] Knowing you, you'd be starving even if you hadn't been asleep for days. Finn brought it from Kokonose. Might be a bit stale by now, unfortunately.
[Genuine horror momentarily passes over Ryunosuke's features, but then Kazuma grins. and he slumps dramatically. Seriously? Don't scare him like that, asshole...
And then Kazuma's off and chattering away before Ryunosuke can give him grief about the joke anyway. Not that he's inclined to stay annoyed for very long. Food's an excellent distraction, too. He's just smiling along while Kazuma talks at him, but his stomach gives a loud, very audible growl when he sees the bread.
He hadn't even realized how hungry he was, up until this moment.]
Oh, yes!
[He sits up and takes it right away, clearly thrilled.] Stale doesn't bother me. And besides, Kokonose-san's cooking is always top-tier. You can't go wrong--!
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Like always, he's still watching Kazuma closely while he reacts. Ryunosuke can usually pick up on the discord in his friend's heart without needing him to put it all to precise words... But it also doesn't take an emotional genius to figure out that continuing to harp on the point right now would just be kicking the man while he's down.]
...Just a bit, yes.
[there's a slight teasing cadence to those words and the ones yet to come, a bit of playful sarcasm to ease the tension.]
And yet, incredibly, I remain glad that you're the person who was here waiting for me when I woke up.
[Kazuma may keep making mistakes, but he is at least hearing Ryunosuke out. He's still making an effort.
As long as he keeps doing that, Ryunosuke could never be truly disappointed in him.]
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He knows it isn't fair to either of them to think he doesn't deserve Ryunosuke's forgiveness, but he remains endlessly grateful to have it.
Kazuma doesn't truly have anything to say in response; instead, in an echo of a past conversation of this kind, he moves his hand next to Ryunosuke's--not close enough to touch, but close enough to be an offer. To comfort him in kind is the least he can do.]
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It's just a normal clasp. He doesn't thread his fingers into Kazuma's, or anything like that... But he takes up his friend's hand, and he squeezes it lightly, radiating solidarity and comfort through the gesture.]
I know you must have been worried... I will try to be more careful from now on. Alright?
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What would Ryunosuke do if Kazuma were to lean in and kiss him right now?
For a single, blinding, impulsive moment, he almost does it. He can almost imagine the way Ryunosuke might even reciprocate--because Kazuma might be an idiot sometimes but he isn't insane, he's sure there's something there--he can picture Ryunosuke jerking away in surprise, then blushing, then maybe a slow smile spreading across his face as he realizes what Kazuma means. Or maybe he'd surprise Kazuma with his perception as he always does and realize immediately and kiss him back.
Or maybe Kazuma is wrong yet again, and Ryunosuke would only squawk in confusion and disgust, the moment ruined. Or worse: maybe he would get angry that Kazuma would choose to do this at such an inappropriate moment. Kazuma can all too easily imagine that too. And so he stays where he is, and does nothing.
But he finds he cannot simply sit and stew in these feelings as they are, either, and so he attempts to express them a different way. Even if it feels like a similarly sensitive topic.]
I don't think I had truly realized it before, but. [He swallows.] Is this... what it felt like? When you thought I was dead?
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But as things stand, he's exhausted, and when the moment happens, he's busy settling back on his pillows, eyes closed as he feels out a comfier resting position.
His hand is still in Kazuma's though, and it stills eerily, before squeezing a little tighter at the question.]
...Probably, [he laughs, a little uncertainly. He's not opposed to discussing this; they probably need to. And any moment of vulnerability from Kazuma where he isn't being irritatingly hypocritical (see above), should probably be capitalized on. But... Ryunosuke also isn't sure how to answer that honestly.] Similar, at least.
With that, I... Didn't even have the chance to be terrified for you. By the time I woke up, you were already gone... In multiple senses of the word.
['Gone' as in his life was already extinguished, but also he was literally gone. Only an outline on the floor to indicate where the body had been. Ryunosuke glances away, grimacing at the memory of it.]
To be honest, more than anything else? At least at first, what I felt was just. Angry...
[Angry at whoever had really done it. It had helped drive him, to insist upon investigating. He'd wanted to find the true perpetrator, and see that they paid for what they did. And then, after the truth of the incident came out? He was angry at everything. Angry at the gods for letting it happen, angry at himself for letting it happen... Angry over how it was all such a tragic, pointless waste...]
Angry and then... Hollow. Like a part of my soul had been scooped out.
[...Ah. And just now, something clicks into place.]
...I was being selfish, when I threw you aside during that fight. [Back on Aldyhion.] Selfish and cowardly; it happened so fast, but I remember thinking that I just couldn't do that again...
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I suppose I can't fault you too much for that... I'd likely have done the same thing, were our positions reversed.
[Then, though, he forces himself to sober. What Ryunosuke has just shared deserves a serious response, though Kazuma finds himself at a loss for one. It's difficult to really comprehend the reality of Ryunosuke's grief, when Kazuma himself had spent the time completely unaware anyone had existed to miss him. And then everything afterward had happened so quickly...
They've already had this conversation, but Kazuma suddenly feels like the scope of it is only hitting him now that he's come close to losing his partner in turn. Ryunosuke mourned him for nine months. And that might be the one part of that whole disaster that wasn't Kazuma's fault, but he's inexpressibly sorry for it anyway.
(Something else that will be fixed if-- his traitor mind whispers, but he shuts that down before it can form.) Instead, he runs his thumb across Ryunosuke's knuckles both as a comforting gesture and as a way to distract himself, and not for the first time feels grateful that Ryunosuke is too clueless to really register the intimacy of it.
There really isn't anything he can think to say, so he steadies himself by taking a long, slow breath.]
Well. If we can't keep each other from danger, perhaps we ought to focus on better preparing ourselves for it instead. [There's no better distraction than having a goal, after all.]
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Ryunosuke latches on to Kazuma's suggestion quickly, using it to quash down a flustered reaction.
(Later. He can wonder about what the heck this means later.)]
Aaaactually... I was going to suggest the same thing. [He grins awkwardly.] I kept thinking during that fight, how I really wished I hadn't let myself go so long without any kenjutsu practice...
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That's a very good idea. Your technique does need work. [Not that he was observing Ryunosuke during the fight or anything.] If you're to wield Karuma, you must be a worthy practitioner of the art. The way of the katana deserves your respect, Ryunosuke Naruhodo!
[Is this a lecture now.]
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(Mingled relief and disappointment mutter at each other in the deeper recesses of Ryunosuke's brain, when Kazuma lets go of his hand. EXAMINE. THAT. LATER...)
That reaction is kind of comical, but in a way that makes Ryunosuke feel incredibly fond. It... Also makes him worry just a bit, wondering what he's gotten himself into by suggesting this. But the important thing for now is that it cheers Kazuma up, which cheers Ryunosuke up in turn.]
Haah, alright, alright, point well taken... Although we'll have to wait until this heals up before we can really get started, I'm afraid. [He lifts his injured arm slightly, wincing.] I wonder if that replicator device can make us a couple of practice swords--?
[He breaks off, blinking, and then glances around the infirmary with an increasingly anxious expression.]
W-wait. Karuma... Where is it? It, it didn't get left behind, did it?
[Kazuma probably wouldn't have mentioned it by name like that if something HAD happened to it, but Ryunosuke can't help but grow a little bit panicked. HIS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT SWORD--?]
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[Okay, he's kidding, and his glare lacks real heat; Ryunosuke understandably had reasons to be distracted. Kazuma can't risk his best friend feeling guilty anyway, so he lets a grin fully spread across his face.] Don't worry, Professor Mikotoba took it back to your quarters. We'll still be using practice swords, though. You have a long way to go before you can wield Karuma in battle. [Disregarding the fact that he already did... Kazuma raps a knuckle against Ryunosuke's forehead, but so lightly that it barely even makes contact. He's still wary of contributing to Ryunosuke's injuries even slightly.
Then he stops short, as if something just occurred to him.] Oh--here. [He turns, and reaches behind him to where the bread has been sitting ever since Finn brought it.] Knowing you, you'd be starving even if you hadn't been asleep for days. Finn brought it from Kokonose. Might be a bit stale by now, unfortunately.
1/2
And then Kazuma's off and chattering away before Ryunosuke can give him grief about the joke anyway. Not that he's inclined to stay annoyed for very long. Food's an excellent distraction, too. He's just smiling along while Kazuma talks at him, but his stomach gives a loud, very audible growl when he sees the bread.
He hadn't even realized how hungry he was, up until this moment.]
Oh, yes!
[He sits up and takes it right away, clearly thrilled.] Stale doesn't bother me. And besides, Kokonose-san's cooking is always top-tier. You can't go wrong--!
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It's... Gone rock hard. Teeth jarringly hard, really.
Ow???]
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Well, now that Ryunosuke is awake, Kazuma feels more comfortable leaving his side, so...]
...Let me get you something from the kitchen.
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Ah... Thanks, partner. That would be swell. Ow...