[It isn't terribly difficult to sneak away from his lodgings when the right time of night comes around. By this point, he and van Zieks have reached a tentative level of trust enough that he has some leeway with moving independently, but he still doesn't want to give van Zieks any reason to ask where he's been going. Especially if this ends up becoming a regular occurrence.
It's thankfully not a terribly long walk to the park, and he's come to understand the smaller streets of the city enough to avoid anyone who might consider a mysterious cloaked figure suspicious and be inclined to report it. When he gets there he realizes they never agreed upon a more specific meeting point, but thankfully Naruhodo is already there, lingering by one of the open tables near a copse of trees. Whether he'd chosen the place on purpose or not doesn't change that it's a good choice. Kazuma doesn't fully emerge from the thicket, but he does pointedly lean out into Ryunosuke's line of sight and give a sardonic little wave.
[While he's been waiting, Ryunosuke's nerves have (once again) been at a level beyond his already higher than average baseline. It's a wonder that he hasn't been questioned by any passing bobbies yet, considering how twitchy and suspicious he looks, sitting alone in a park at midnight.
It's his own fault for coming out here so early. Upon his return to 221B he'd found a note from Iris reminding him that she and Sholmes had embarked on a planned journey out to the countryside for the next few days, so the two of them could review an old case that she was trying to adapt into her next story. So... Cross examining his detective friend would have to wait, and he would have to dine alone.
This left him with much time for musing and self-reflection, going back through the evening's conversation in his head. Looking back at the terrible events on the Burya nine months ago. Making note of the things his mysterious friend had-- and hadn't-- told him about his situation.
Truthfully, Ryunosuke had been surprised when the masked man suggested they meet again the very same night. He's not sure what kind of answer he'd been expecting when he'd floated the offer of staying in touch, but it hadn't been that. He isn't sure what to expect of this meeting... Maybe the man has more questions to ask of Ryu, and simply hadn't wanted to linger in that alley any longer to discuss them? That seems a likely possibility, but... What would he want to know?
Too much uncertainty, too much effort spent combing over painful memories; Ryunosuke found he couldn't stand just waiting around the house any longer. He'd taken care to feed Wagahi first, then donned his cloak and hat to head out in the direction of the rendezvous point about forty minutes too early.
And now, here they are. The autumn air is damp and chilly, it's darker here than he'd prefer, and the name on the sign for the park fills him with enough shame and revulsion to make him sort of regret suggesting this particular meeting place... But at least they won't be loitering on some dingy back street for this next conversation.
...Goodness, that white mask and that white gloves emerging from the dark bushes sure do him a fright, though! As the hour of their meeting approached, Ryunosuke had been looking around just about everywhere BUT the thicket for his friend to show up. How very foolish of him, assuming THIS man of all people would just waltz up to him like a normal person might. He jolts a in surprise at the sight, but when he registers it's not a threat, he quickly gets up from his chair to greet him, like an over-eager dog.]
Ah, there you are. [Ryunosuke says it with no small measure of relief, dipping quickly into a proper greeting bow. When he straightens up he scratches the back of his head in embarrassment, a teasing grin on his face.] Hah... I was beginning to worry I'd been stood up.
[...Said as if he didn't show up here super early, completely of his own accord.]
[He doesn't say anything, and it's naturally difficult to tell with the mask, but there is definitely a moment when Kazuma gives Ryunosuke A Look. As if to say: "Stood up," really?
As always, he has no idea of Ryunosuke's inner turmoil and not a whole lot of patience for dithering around. The advantage of meeting like this is they have a much longer time limit before he will start to be missed, but it's still not exactly free of risk. Rather than respond, he pointedly jerks his head toward the thicket where he's still standing and waits for Ryunosuke to get a clue. He is not about to get reported as a suspicious individual by any eagle-eyed bobbies.
He's been thinking about this in the hours since they last spoke and he's come to the decision that they need to stop beating around the bush and decide what they're doing. As much as he (doesn't want to admit to himself that he) wants to keep meeting Naruhodo, he can't afford to compromise his mission, whatever it is, for a--friendship?
Is that what he wants?
He breaks that thought off before it can form further, and decides to get this over with.]
[He's not especially keen on standing around in the woods when there are perfectly serviceable chairs right here, waiting to be used... But Ryunosuke decides it's not worth arguing. Better to just do what he can to make this shifty guy more comfortable.
The question earns an owlish blink from Ryunosuke, who is clearly thrown by it. When he recovers his wits, he tries to put on his best disarming smile and... Play dumb and joke around, to stall for time. The sort of shameless display he'd be bound to get a penalty for in court.]
Hah... You do remember that you're the one who suggested we meet again tonight, don't you?
[Even if it was a joke, the comment apparently hits home; he pauses, gaze to the side, as he tries to come up with a better excuse than simply feeling drawn to Ryunosuke.]
We needed more time to speak freely. I didn't see much point in putting it off.
[There, that sounds good.]
You're the one who offered. I want to know what your goal is.
[There's a beat of silence, and then Ryunosuke lets out a little sigh, shoulders slumping slightly.]
My 'goal', huh...?
[He says it quietly, casting his eyes down towards the earth while he takes a moment to think on it for just a bit longer.
It's a fair question, really. Whatever the identity of the man beneath that mask, whoever he might have been before, Ryunosuke is basically a perfect stranger to him now... Much as that hurts to admit, given the high likelihood of it being Kazuma. It plunges daggers into him to think too long on the sheer tragedy of Kazuma being alive but unable to remember him or Susato or anything.
But... Painful though it may be, he does have to respect that perspective. How strange and demanding it must seem, being offered a hand of friendship and having someone you just met all but insist on staying in touch, despite their minimal interactions up to now. It must be particularly odd and worrying, even, to a man like this, someone who Ryunosuke can already tell shows an inclination towards paranoia and suspicion.
The thing is... He's not sure he has a satisfactory answer here.]
...To be perfectly honest with you, [and he lifts his head now, staring into the eyes behind the mask with unflinching sincerity,] I don't think I had a specific goal clear in my mind when I suggested it. But since you've asked me to put it into words...
...I want to know who you are. I suppose that's the simplest way of putting it, to start.
He'd been expecting some sort of entreaty for him to come back for his senses, or for Ryunosuke to declare his dedication to his dead friend and restore his memory at any cost. Something he could then inform him was a waste of time. Not this: a sincere desire to know him. A nameless, faceless vagrant, with no identity and no memory to define him. Someone with very little to offer someone like Ryunosuke Naruhodo.]
Why?
[It falls out of his mouth before he can consider how pathetic it sounds. He has to scramble for a following thought that feels less... lost.]
There's not much to know. I only remember about nine months back.
[But... he already knows he'll answer whatever questions Ryunosuke has.]
[Ryunosuke continues to hold eye contact. But where his gaze held only sincerity before, now a troubled expression briefly passes over.]
Well... Maybe so, but. That could change in the future, couldn't it? Look, I... I don't want to lie to you, and pretend as if... Your previous identity being a mystery and all... The similarities, between you and him...
[He winces slightly, and this time he has to avert his eyes, fingers squeezing lightly around Karuma's hilt for support]
Your voice, your mannerisms. The coincidences in the timing, on top of everything else... It would be dishonest of me to say they aren't at all a reason for my interest. But...
[He manages to look up again, once the most embarrassing portion of what he had to say is out of the way.]
[Silence stretches as Kazuma doesn't say anything for several moments. It's more difficult than it should be to articulate how alien he finds this idea, how confused the concept leaves him. If Ryunosuke isn't looking to bring back his friend, then what benefit could talking to him possibly have?
The truth is simply this: in the nine months that make up the entire scope of his remembered existence, nobody has ever wanted to just talk to him before. He hasn't wanted to just talk to anyone. He'd never made friends on any of the crews he'd served with for six miserable months--partly his own doing, as he insisted on keeping to his space and brushing off anyone that might try to strike up an alliance. He certainly has nobody like that here, where his only options are Stronghart--out of the question--and van Zieks, with whom he's only recently settled into something like a comfortable equilibrium.
He has no idea what Ryunosuke wants from him, and that's always a situation that's felt like being in free-fall. He's not fond of not having his feet under him.]
I don't have anything to offer you.
[It's not angry, or self-deprecating, or even dismissive. It's just a confused statement of fact.]
[Ryunosuke has no clue what this man's life has been like for the last several months. If he has any notion of how rough life serving on a ship can really be, it's only by general reputation, not firsthand experience. He can't possible imagine what it must be like to navigate through life without any memories or past experiences to guide him, either.
He doesn't need to have an intimate understanding of either of those things, though, to be able to tell how un-used to the idea of companionship he is. That reply says it all, really.
He shakes his head.]
That's fine, because I'm not asking you for anything besides a bit of your time every now and then... Either way, if we go in expecting this to be some kind of transaction, I think we'll both leave disappointed. It's not as if I have much to offer you, either.
[Kazuma clenches and unclenches his fists as he thinks, still feeling lost. He understands in theory what it is Ryunosuke is proposing, but he's having difficulty really believing it could happen. It isn't like he can accompany Ryunosuke to the theater or the fair. Their best option remains meeting up clandestinely at night when no one will miss them, which is already more risk than most things are worth, and for what? What is the point?
How can he be a friend to Ryunosuke when he's already barely a person?
It has to still be about his dead friend, he decides. No matter what Ryunosuke says otherwise, that must still be the hope. He can't see how he'd be of interest to him otherwise.]
I just don't know what you expect to happen. I have duties to attend to and I can't...
[Spare the time for distractions is what he want to say, but something stops him. He shakes his head.]
[He's actually starting to feel a bit beaten back by this point. He's unwilling to let this go, but he's also unable to come up with a compelling argument for why this makes sense to do beyond his own hopeful curiosity... Probably because it doesn't make sense, really, if he looks at it from the masked man's perspective.
There's a very real moment where he's actually about to ease off, to say it's alright if he doesn't have any interest in continuing on like this-- but the last thing he says makes Ryunosuke stiffen and whip his head back up to stare into that masked face again, his eyes widened in shock.]
Wh... What did you just say?
[It should be just a fairly mundane sentence, yet... Hearing it in that voice invokes an incredibly strong memory of a conversation 9 months ago... One which still haunts him to this day.]
[He grimaces. He knew he shouldn't have said anything. Hasn't that been a conviction of his own subconscious? That nobody can know? He shoud have heeded. Now Ryunosuke will just demand answers that he has no ability to give.
(He has no idea of the real reason for Ryunosuke's distress, of course.)]
It doesn't matter. It's just another thing I've forgotten about.
[And that really is the only answer Kazuma has to give him.]
[Kazuma eyes Ryunosuke warily for a moment, nonplussed by his question. His first thought is How did he know? And then, all of a sudden, it clicks:
They must have talked about it before whatever happened to make him lose his memory.
For the first time, the doubt fully falls away. There is truly no chance that he and Ryunosuke's friend could be two different people--not with this many coincidences piling up. He already knew that, really, but this is the first time the implications truly hit home--if Ryunosuke knows him, then he could have answers.
Answers like this one. Answers to the question that has been plaguing him ever since he first woke up with nothing to call his own except a drive.]
Do you know what it is?
[He's surging forward to grab Ryunosuke by the arms, hold him in place, before he even realizes what he's doing. The only thing he can think about is how desperately he needs to hear this right now.]
[Since the night they'd met in that first alleyway, Ryunosuke has been doing his own dance of logic around the masked man's identity, walking a thin line between caution and hope.
Deep, down he'd known right from the start: despite everything he'd been told of Kazuma's demise upon the Burya, this masked amnesiac had to be him. There was no mistaking it. But after all the grieving, after living his life for the last nine months and growing to accept that Kazuma was gone, Ryunosuke was afraid to listen to what his gut was telling him then. Out of fear that he was deluding himself, that he was conjuring phantoms out of desperation, that he might trick himself into having to face his friend's death a second time... He couldn't embrace the truth.
Not without seeing his face. Not without hearing affirmation from the man himself. Until there was no room for doubt, until he was guaranteed not to be hurt, to not have to mourn all over again, he'd remain skeptical. He wouldn't permit himself to believe based on feeling alone. He'd need hard proof. And so instead of wielding logic like a torch to light his steps forward, he'd cloaked himself in it like armor.
Now the masked man lunges forward to grab him, and where most people would startle from the sudden aggression, Ryunosuke stays put. It's not an act of defiance or courage; it's a total lack of fear. Something clicks between them in that moment, a wordless understanding. Ryunosuke stares into the eyes behind the mask, his own eyes growing misty with emotion.]
So it really is you, isn't it... My dearest friend...
[He's quite aware that he was just asked a question and the other man is very impatiently, very intensely waiting on an answer to, but. He's overcome. He almost feels foolish, actually... Hadn't he learned by now to trust his gut on these things?]
[Kazuma wants to scream when the first thing out of Ryunosuke's mouth is not an answer to his question.
A vicious, cruel part of him wants to finally impress on this man just how little he actually cares about this. Even if he might be the same physical body, he is not Ryunosuke's friend. His memories, his identity, his life are gone. Ultimately, this reunion means nothing to him; Ryunosuke, and their supposed friendship, mean nothing to him.
But this means something. Nine months of hell and the answer he's been looking for could be right here.
He gives Ryunosuke a sudden, rough shake to try and derail his line of thinking, remind him they are already having a conversation that matters much more than this one.]
Naruhodo. Please.
[Ordinarily he'd be ashamed to hear the naked desperation in his own voice, the crack in the words. Now, though, it hardly even registers as he searches Ryunosuke's face like he can find the answer there, if not in the man's words.]
[Ryunosuke is so caught up in the euphoria of finding out that his best friend is alive that, for like ten seconds, he's straight up living in a world where amnesia doesn't exist.
...And then Kazuma shakes him right out of that moment of emotional catharsis.
Of course this reunion wouldn't mean anything to him. He has no memories! Not of Ryunosuke, or Susato, or anything else. Just brushing up against that realization causes a dull ache to bloom in Ryunosuke's chest, but he compartmentalizes and shoves that pang aside to work through later. Right now, the desperation in his friend's voice is actually the priority, and it's the first thing to really frighten him. He's never heard Kazuma sound this distressed before...
In response to being shaken, Ryunosuke blinks rapidly, braces his posture, and gingerly maneuvers his hands to try and get a light grip on the other man's forearms. It's not a vice grip or anything too severe, just... A firm touch with a light squeeze, his expression clearly concerned. It's meant to be grounding and supportive, because Ryu already knows he's not going to like the answer he has to give.]
It pains me to have to tell you this, truly, but... No, you didn't. You told me that you had something important to do once we were in Britain, and you hoped I would help you see it through when the time came. I assume you would have apprised me of more details eventually, but--
[Unbidden, the image of the tape outline, sprawled across their cabin floor, flashes before his mind's eye.]
...You must have sustained some kind of severe head trauma... But I was told you died.
[There's another complex look on his face as he says the last word, relief that this turned out not to be true mingling with immense betrayal, knowing now for certain that he and Susato were lied to in a very major way.]
[As Ryunosuke's words sink in, the manic energy drains out of him until his arms are more or less hanging limp in Ryunosuke's hands.
It... shouldn't make much of a difference. He's still in the same place he was five minutes ago, with the same prospects. There was never a guarantee that Ryunosuke knew anything, so he doesn't lose anything to have it confirmed. Nothing has changed.
But it still hurts, he realizes, to hope flare so briefly only to be smothered the next instant. It hurts more than he expected, actually, and he has to take a moment to compose himself--he closes his eyes, swallows, takes a long, shaky breath.]
I see.
[It hurts, also, because a part of him had been hoping Ryunosuke might have been someone who had truly known him. Someone he had trusted enough to bare his deepest secret. But if he never told Ryunosuke, he's sure he never told anybody.
And that's a very cold reality all on its own.
If Ryunosuke lets him, he'll withdraw his arms to cross them behind his back.]
[This at least distracts him momentarily from his slowly dawning upset regarding Mr. Sholmes. Ryunosuke watches Kazuma, his heart sinking with sympathy and frustration alike. Even if he had his eyes closed he would still be able to feel the man's disappointment, the way the energy just saps right out of him, his limbs going limp in Ryunosuke's hold.
...He lets go and allows Kazuma to take his arms back, albeit with some mild reluctance. With nothing left to hang on to, his own hands drop back to their usual resting positions; one limp at his side, the other back to Karuma.
He shakes his head sadly.]
No, I'm sorry... For giving you false hope. I promise it wasn't my intention, but...
[The incredible joy and relief of discovering his best friend alive is all but faded now, as the true complexity of the situation starting to take root. He sighs, casting his gaze to one side. Absentmindedly, he strokes Karuma, thumb lightly tracing along the twisting pattern of the tsuka-ito.]
I doubt this is any consolation, but... It has been eating at me for some time as well. Wondering just what it was you intended to do here. No one had the slightest idea... Susato-san wasn't aware you even had any goals to carry out here, beyond the study tour. I... I tried to carry on in your place, to see your wishes fulfilled. I wanted to honor your memory by doing at least that much... But without a single clue as to what your intentions were, I couldn't...
[Ryunosuke's words wash over and through him like water, barely registering.]
None of that means anything to me.
[As soon as the words are out of his mouth he regrets them. They sound frustrated and petulant, and more importantly it's clear Ryunosuke is trying to comfort him by them, and it's cruel of him to dismiss that just because he's upset. He'd obviously thought of this Kazuma very highly and took his death very hard, and this can't be easy for him to deal with either. They must have been close, and he imagines being confronted with a drifting, purposeless ghost in Kazuma's place must be disappointing for Ryunosuke as well.
He just wishes hearing it had more meaning for him than mere words.]
But... thank you for trying regardless, I suppose.
[Technically he's thanking Ryunosuke on behalf of himself, but it doesn't feel like it. Would Kazuma be touched to hear this? He truly has no idea.]
[Ryunosuke's eyes flick back up to Kazuma's obscured face, silent for a moment. Then, with a sigh, he shifts, lowering himself to sit on a particularly sturdy looking exposed tree root, traveling cloak billowing out around him as he does. He gestures for Kazuma to do the same, if he wishes; he's taking charge of the situation and he has decided that standing sucks.]
Well... I haven't given up. I do wonder if, perhaps, this is something we're meant to figure out together.
[For a moment Kazuma doesn't move. Then he sits, slowly, uncertainly, on a boulder a few meters away--close enough to have a conversation, but not close enough to touch. It's not entirely out of wariness; he's feeling a bit guilty over impulsively manhandling Ryunosuke again.]
You... want to help me figure out what my mission is?
[He isn't going to ask why again, because he knows he'll only get the same answer and that he won't be able to fully accept it. If he wants Ryunosuke's aid, he'll simply have to take it as it's offered. There's a better question, anyway.]
How? I have nothing to go on. I hardly know where to begin looking.
[He tries not to take it too personally that Kazuma sits so far away. Not only is that a ridiculous thing to be hung up on, he probably wouldn't even have registered it as being odd, normally. And besides all that, it's not as if they need to be right on top of each other to have this conversation... But as Ryunosuke has to keep reminding himself that he's speaking to someone who sees him as a stranger first and foremost, the physical distance between them hits in a very strange way that he can't quite make sense of in the moment.
He sighs.]
Well... That's not really so surprising, is it? You've no context to search within because you barely know anything about yourself. And until now, you haven't had anyone available who could help you fill in the blanks in your story.
[His mind races at the proposal, and the fog of despair that descended on him when Ryunosuke admitted he knew nothing is already starting to feel a little lighter. There's very little question now that they previously knew each other--even if Ryunosuke doesn't have the particular answer Kazuma wants, he has others, and he is willing to help. More, he wants to help. That's already more resources than Kazuma had at his disposal just a few days ago.
This could be the resolution he's been searching for after all. Reluctantly, unbidden, he feels hope begin to bloom in his chest again, which is a very dangerous feeling.]
Perhaps there's a way we could piece something together. How well did you actually know me?
[Naturally, he has no idea how loaded a question that is.]
[The tense of that question doesn't slip by him. And he's not about to argue it, it makes sense to use it in this context, but. It does sure have Ryunosuke feeling some kind of way...
Is asking anyone how well they knew a person whom they're clearly still mourning ever not a loaded question? Ryunosuke just isn't fully aware of how deep that pitfall is yet. He hasn't had much need to look at his relationship with Kazuma more critically, until now... And despite the lingering mystery of the details surrounding his 'secret mission', the man's apparent 'death' had only served to vault Ryunosuke's perception of him on to an even higher pedestal than before.
So, still being under the illusion of the wholesomeness of their friendship... For the first time tonight, Ryunosuke puts on a warm, easy smile.]
Hah... Well, you're in luck in that regard. The two of us, we... We were the best of friends. Partners.
[He doesn't say it outright, but he can't disguise the hope in his words... That they might reach that point again one day. Somehow...]
[He realizes it isn't all that surprising, actually, to learn that they had been that close. His memory casts back to what Ryunosuke had said just moments ago--I tried to carry on in your place. I wanted to honor your memory. He'd mentioned another person, too--it's surreal for him to think that he truly did have a life this whole time. People who loved him and missed him for being gone. He's never known--never remembered, rather--what it's like to have those attachments.
And for Ryunosuke to have gone to the other side of the world to do it...]
You've... been doing quite a lot for me, haven't you.
[He doesn't quite know what to say in the face of that. Who was he to have inspired such a thing?]
[It's a good thing it's dark right now, because Ryunosuke can feel a slight blush creeping up his neck and over his cheeks. He's not sure why... Something about having the spotlight shined directly on his efforts is just strangely disarming to him.]
W-well I mean... Hah. I suppose so. [He fidgets bashfully.] I've just been doing what felt right...
[His demeanor sobers. He's still smiling, but the tone has shifted in some subtle way.]
Before you... 'Died...' You told me that I had the makings of a great lawyer. I brushed you off at the time, because frankly I had no intention of ever setting foot in a courtroom again if I could help it. But you... You had this dream, you see. Of reforming Japan's legal system...
[Ryunosuke trails off, feeling like he's starting to overshare a bit much. He figures Kazuma can draw whatever conclusions he likes from that information.]
[Kazuma is quiet for a moment as he digests this new information. He wanted to reform Japan's legal system, did he? That information... doesn't quite resonate with him, but he can't tell if that's because it's false or if it's just a result of his amnesia. It would certainly explain why he has retained so much knowledge of law.
Regardless of whether it's true, it's obvious how much the idea has impacted Ryunosuke.]
So you decided to see it through for me, when I wasn't able to?
[It means nothing to him, and yet... he finds himself touched nonetheless.]
That's very admirable of you to do for a friend. Even a close one. Thank you, even if... I can't appreciate it the way...
[He wants to say "he would have," but it feels strange to talk about himself as if he was a different person. Even if that's how it feels. So he just trails off.]
[There's a tension that hangs in the air at that moment-- not a tension of anger but one of uncertainty-- with Ryunosuke filling in the gaps of what Kazuma was about to say, plus the bashfulness he feels... About being thanked for something he never even felt like he had much of a choice in, at the time... Not that he resents the path in life that he's followed, it just. It doesn't feel like anything worthy of praise.]
Th-there's no need to thank me, honestly...
[And indeed, he waves the notion off.]
Anyway! Um. The point I was getting at is: whatever you want to know, you can ask me.
[Ryunosuke says it like it's so simple. Where does he even start? Truth be told, Kazuma isn't even sure he wants to know. What will he do if the information Ryunosuke gives him doesn't match the kind of person he is now? He can't be the person he was, and he has no interest in even promising to try.
All he truly wants to know about is his mission, and Ryunosuke has no idea what that is either. Even if Ryunosuke does have the information needed to figure it out, how do they find it? It's like looking for a needle in a haystack, except the haystack is his own memories.]
You said I wanted to reform Japan's legal system. Did I ever say why? [Maybe something happened to him to give him that desire. Maybe his mission can be found there.]
[How awkward is it, that he doesn't have an easy answer at the ready for the very first question he gets asked. Ryunosuke fidgets, twiddling his thumbs thoughtfully.]
If... If there was ever a specific catalyst for your decision in pursuing that, you never mentioned it to me. But... You were always so... I guess aware would be the word for it? You'd always chide me for not being more keyed into things; the ways in which the country was... is changing...
[While he speaks, a soft smile spreads across his face, as he thinks about all the fondly remembered debates held over lunch time hotpot.]
...You believed in the power of the people. That the government and courts should serve everyone, not just the interests of the elite. I don't think I fully understood that, why it was such a concern to you, until I wound up in the dock myself...
[He isn't sure what to make of Ryunosuke's description of him; it's like hearing about a stranger. It's bizarre to hear himself be described as someone who cared about the people when his life has been motivated by pure self-interest ever since he woke up. Would Ryunosuke judge him, be disappointed in him, if he knew the way Kazuma has been living? Social events are certainly not anything he cares about now.
All his worries are temporarily set aside, however, at Ryunosuke's last admission.]
You were in the dock? [He can't imagine someone as nonthreatening-seeming as Ryunosuke being accused of anything untoward, let alone him actually doing it.] What for?
[If it's true he used to be a law student, it's a natural thing to assume. People usually don't represent themselves in court, after all, and why else would he be involved in someone else's murder charge? It's somewhat ironic, then, that Stronghart has him training to be a prosecutor now.
He assumes he's right, so he doesn't wait for Ryunosuke to answer the question before asking another one:]
I take it I was successful, considering you're not in prison. Is that when we became friends?
[Ryunosuke opens his mouth to interject at first, but Kazuma's already steamrolling right past the point, which is... Well. IT'S TYPICAL? Some things even amnesia can't change... :/
He should probably double back and correct that. Perhaps in a minute... He's eager to answer this question too.]
No no, actually, we... We met in our first year at Yumei University. At a speech competition.
[How's he supposed to explain THAT story? Kazuma honestly told it much better. When he could still remember it, that is...]
[Kazuma may be wearing a mask, but the dubious look on his face is probably pretty obvious regardless.]
You won the speech competition but I'm the lawyer? That doesn't seem right.
[He's not exactly accusing Ryunosuke of lying, but, well... the doubt is there. Are you sure you actually beat him at a speech competition, because that sounds fake.]
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It's thankfully not a terribly long walk to the park, and he's come to understand the smaller streets of the city enough to avoid anyone who might consider a mysterious cloaked figure suspicious and be inclined to report it. When he gets there he realizes they never agreed upon a more specific meeting point, but thankfully Naruhodo is already there, lingering by one of the open tables near a copse of trees. Whether he'd chosen the place on purpose or not doesn't change that it's a good choice. Kazuma doesn't fully emerge from the thicket, but he does pointedly lean out into Ryunosuke's line of sight and give a sardonic little wave.
See? He's not jumping you this time.]
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It's his own fault for coming out here so early. Upon his return to 221B he'd found a note from Iris reminding him that she and Sholmes had embarked on a planned journey out to the countryside for the next few days, so the two of them could review an old case that she was trying to adapt into her next story. So... Cross examining his detective friend would have to wait, and he would have to dine alone.
This left him with much time for musing and self-reflection, going back through the evening's conversation in his head. Looking back at the terrible events on the Burya nine months ago. Making note of the things his mysterious friend had-- and hadn't-- told him about his situation.
Truthfully, Ryunosuke had been surprised when the masked man suggested they meet again the very same night. He's not sure what kind of answer he'd been expecting when he'd floated the offer of staying in touch, but it hadn't been that. He isn't sure what to expect of this meeting... Maybe the man has more questions to ask of Ryu, and simply hadn't wanted to linger in that alley any longer to discuss them? That seems a likely possibility, but... What would he want to know?
Too much uncertainty, too much effort spent combing over painful memories; Ryunosuke found he couldn't stand just waiting around the house any longer. He'd taken care to feed Wagahi first, then donned his cloak and hat to head out in the direction of the rendezvous point about forty minutes too early.
And now, here they are. The autumn air is damp and chilly, it's darker here than he'd prefer, and the name on the sign for the park fills him with enough shame and revulsion to make him sort of regret suggesting this particular meeting place... But at least they won't be loitering on some dingy back street for this next conversation.
...Goodness, that white mask and that white gloves emerging from the dark bushes sure do him a fright, though! As the hour of their meeting approached, Ryunosuke had been looking around just about everywhere BUT the thicket for his friend to show up. How very foolish of him, assuming THIS man of all people would just waltz up to him like a normal person might. He jolts a in surprise at the sight, but when he registers it's not a threat, he quickly gets up from his chair to greet him, like an over-eager dog.]
Ah, there you are. [Ryunosuke says it with no small measure of relief, dipping quickly into a proper greeting bow. When he straightens up he scratches the back of his head in embarrassment, a teasing grin on his face.] Hah... I was beginning to worry I'd been stood up.
[...Said as if he didn't show up here super early, completely of his own accord.]
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As always, he has no idea of Ryunosuke's inner turmoil and not a whole lot of patience for dithering around. The advantage of meeting like this is they have a much longer time limit before he will start to be missed, but it's still not exactly free of risk. Rather than respond, he pointedly jerks his head toward the thicket where he's still standing and waits for Ryunosuke to get a clue. He is not about to get reported as a suspicious individual by any eagle-eyed bobbies.
He's been thinking about this in the hours since they last spoke and he's come to the decision that they need to stop beating around the bush and decide what they're doing. As much as he (doesn't want to admit to himself that he) wants to keep meeting Naruhodo, he can't afford to compromise his mission, whatever it is, for a--friendship?
Is that what he wants?
He breaks that thought off before it can form further, and decides to get this over with.]
What do you actually want from me, Naruhodo?
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The question earns an owlish blink from Ryunosuke, who is clearly thrown by it. When he recovers his wits, he tries to put on his best disarming smile and... Play dumb and joke around, to stall for time. The sort of shameless display he'd be bound to get a penalty for in court.]
Hah... You do remember that you're the one who suggested we meet again tonight, don't you?
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We needed more time to speak freely. I didn't see much point in putting it off.
[There, that sounds good.]
You're the one who offered. I want to know what your goal is.
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My 'goal', huh...?
[He says it quietly, casting his eyes down towards the earth while he takes a moment to think on it for just a bit longer.
It's a fair question, really. Whatever the identity of the man beneath that mask, whoever he might have been before, Ryunosuke is basically a perfect stranger to him now... Much as that hurts to admit, given the high likelihood of it being Kazuma. It plunges daggers into him to think too long on the sheer tragedy of Kazuma being alive but unable to remember him or Susato or anything.
But... Painful though it may be, he does have to respect that perspective. How strange and demanding it must seem, being offered a hand of friendship and having someone you just met all but insist on staying in touch, despite their minimal interactions up to now. It must be particularly odd and worrying, even, to a man like this, someone who Ryunosuke can already tell shows an inclination towards paranoia and suspicion.
The thing is... He's not sure he has a satisfactory answer here.]
...To be perfectly honest with you, [and he lifts his head now, staring into the eyes behind the mask with unflinching sincerity,] I don't think I had a specific goal clear in my mind when I suggested it. But since you've asked me to put it into words...
...I want to know who you are. I suppose that's the simplest way of putting it, to start.
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He'd been expecting some sort of entreaty for him to come back for his senses, or for Ryunosuke to declare his dedication to his dead friend and restore his memory at any cost. Something he could then inform him was a waste of time. Not this: a sincere desire to know him. A nameless, faceless vagrant, with no identity and no memory to define him. Someone with very little to offer someone like Ryunosuke Naruhodo.]
Why?
[It falls out of his mouth before he can consider how pathetic it sounds. He has to scramble for a following thought that feels less... lost.]
There's not much to know. I only remember about nine months back.
[But... he already knows he'll answer whatever questions Ryunosuke has.]
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Well... Maybe so, but. That could change in the future, couldn't it? Look, I... I don't want to lie to you, and pretend as if... Your previous identity being a mystery and all... The similarities, between you and him...
[He winces slightly, and this time he has to avert his eyes, fingers squeezing lightly around Karuma's hilt for support]
Your voice, your mannerisms. The coincidences in the timing, on top of everything else... It would be dishonest of me to say they aren't at all a reason for my interest. But...
[He manages to look up again, once the most embarrassing portion of what he had to say is out of the way.]
I promise, that's not the only reason.
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The truth is simply this: in the nine months that make up the entire scope of his remembered existence, nobody has ever wanted to just talk to him before. He hasn't wanted to just talk to anyone. He'd never made friends on any of the crews he'd served with for six miserable months--partly his own doing, as he insisted on keeping to his space and brushing off anyone that might try to strike up an alliance. He certainly has nobody like that here, where his only options are Stronghart--out of the question--and van Zieks, with whom he's only recently settled into something like a comfortable equilibrium.
He has no idea what Ryunosuke wants from him, and that's always a situation that's felt like being in free-fall. He's not fond of not having his feet under him.]
I don't have anything to offer you.
[It's not angry, or self-deprecating, or even dismissive. It's just a confused statement of fact.]
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He doesn't need to have an intimate understanding of either of those things, though, to be able to tell how un-used to the idea of companionship he is. That reply says it all, really.
He shakes his head.]
That's fine, because I'm not asking you for anything besides a bit of your time every now and then... Either way, if we go in expecting this to be some kind of transaction, I think we'll both leave disappointed. It's not as if I have much to offer you, either.
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How can he be a friend to Ryunosuke when he's already barely a person?
It has to still be about his dead friend, he decides. No matter what Ryunosuke says otherwise, that must still be the hope. He can't see how he'd be of interest to him otherwise.]
I just don't know what you expect to happen. I have duties to attend to and I can't...
[Spare the time for distractions is what he want to say, but something stops him. He shakes his head.]
I have... something important I need to do.
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There's a very real moment where he's actually about to ease off, to say it's alright if he doesn't have any interest in continuing on like this-- but the last thing he says makes Ryunosuke stiffen and whip his head back up to stare into that masked face again, his eyes widened in shock.]
Wh... What did you just say?
[It should be just a fairly mundane sentence, yet... Hearing it in that voice invokes an incredibly strong memory of a conversation 9 months ago... One which still haunts him to this day.]
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(He has no idea of the real reason for Ryunosuke's distress, of course.)]
It doesn't matter. It's just another thing I've forgotten about.
[And that really is the only answer Kazuma has to give him.]
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He runs his hand over the lower half of his face for a moment, trying to recall the exact words.]
Something so important that... You'll sacrifice anything to make it happen?
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They must have talked about it before whatever happened to make him lose his memory.
For the first time, the doubt fully falls away. There is truly no chance that he and Ryunosuke's friend could be two different people--not with this many coincidences piling up. He already knew that, really, but this is the first time the implications truly hit home--if Ryunosuke knows him, then he could have answers.
Answers like this one. Answers to the question that has been plaguing him ever since he first woke up with nothing to call his own except a drive.]
Do you know what it is?
[He's surging forward to grab Ryunosuke by the arms, hold him in place, before he even realizes what he's doing. The only thing he can think about is how desperately he needs to hear this right now.]
Did I tell you what it was?
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Deep, down he'd known right from the start: despite everything he'd been told of Kazuma's demise upon the Burya, this masked amnesiac had to be him. There was no mistaking it. But after all the grieving, after living his life for the last nine months and growing to accept that Kazuma was gone, Ryunosuke was afraid to listen to what his gut was telling him then. Out of fear that he was deluding himself, that he was conjuring phantoms out of desperation, that he might trick himself into having to face his friend's death a second time... He couldn't embrace the truth.
Not without seeing his face. Not without hearing affirmation from the man himself. Until there was no room for doubt, until he was guaranteed not to be hurt, to not have to mourn all over again, he'd remain skeptical. He wouldn't permit himself to believe based on feeling alone. He'd need hard proof. And so instead of wielding logic like a torch to light his steps forward, he'd cloaked himself in it like armor.
Now the masked man lunges forward to grab him, and where most people would startle from the sudden aggression, Ryunosuke stays put. It's not an act of defiance or courage; it's a total lack of fear. Something clicks between them in that moment, a wordless understanding. Ryunosuke stares into the eyes behind the mask, his own eyes growing misty with emotion.]
So it really is you, isn't it... My dearest friend...
[He's quite aware that he was just asked a question and the other man is very impatiently, very intensely waiting on an answer to, but. He's overcome. He almost feels foolish, actually... Hadn't he learned by now to trust his gut on these things?]
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A vicious, cruel part of him wants to finally impress on this man just how little he actually cares about this. Even if he might be the same physical body, he is not Ryunosuke's friend. His memories, his identity, his life are gone. Ultimately, this reunion means nothing to him; Ryunosuke, and their supposed friendship, mean nothing to him.
But this means something. Nine months of hell and the answer he's been looking for could be right here.
He gives Ryunosuke a sudden, rough shake to try and derail his line of thinking, remind him they are already having a conversation that matters much more than this one.]
Naruhodo. Please.
[Ordinarily he'd be ashamed to hear the naked desperation in his own voice, the crack in the words. Now, though, it hardly even registers as he searches Ryunosuke's face like he can find the answer there, if not in the man's words.]
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...And then Kazuma shakes him right out of that moment of emotional catharsis.
Of course this reunion wouldn't mean anything to him. He has no memories! Not of Ryunosuke, or Susato, or anything else. Just brushing up against that realization causes a dull ache to bloom in Ryunosuke's chest, but he compartmentalizes and shoves that pang aside to work through later. Right now, the desperation in his friend's voice is actually the priority, and it's the first thing to really frighten him. He's never heard Kazuma sound this distressed before...
In response to being shaken, Ryunosuke blinks rapidly, braces his posture, and gingerly maneuvers his hands to try and get a light grip on the other man's forearms. It's not a vice grip or anything too severe, just... A firm touch with a light squeeze, his expression clearly concerned. It's meant to be grounding and supportive, because Ryu already knows he's not going to like the answer he has to give.]
It pains me to have to tell you this, truly, but... No, you didn't. You told me that you had something important to do once we were in Britain, and you hoped I would help you see it through when the time came. I assume you would have apprised me of more details eventually, but--
[Unbidden, the image of the tape outline, sprawled across their cabin floor, flashes before his mind's eye.]
...You must have sustained some kind of severe head trauma... But I was told you died.
[There's another complex look on his face as he says the last word, relief that this turned out not to be true mingling with immense betrayal, knowing now for certain that he and Susato were lied to in a very major way.]
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It... shouldn't make much of a difference. He's still in the same place he was five minutes ago, with the same prospects. There was never a guarantee that Ryunosuke knew anything, so he doesn't lose anything to have it confirmed. Nothing has changed.
But it still hurts, he realizes, to hope flare so briefly only to be smothered the next instant. It hurts more than he expected, actually, and he has to take a moment to compose himself--he closes his eyes, swallows, takes a long, shaky breath.]
I see.
[It hurts, also, because a part of him had been hoping Ryunosuke might have been someone who had truly known him. Someone he had trusted enough to bare his deepest secret. But if he never told Ryunosuke, he's sure he never told anybody.
And that's a very cold reality all on its own.
If Ryunosuke lets him, he'll withdraw his arms to cross them behind his back.]
I'm sorry for treating you so roughly.
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...He lets go and allows Kazuma to take his arms back, albeit with some mild reluctance. With nothing left to hang on to, his own hands drop back to their usual resting positions; one limp at his side, the other back to Karuma.
He shakes his head sadly.]
No, I'm sorry... For giving you false hope. I promise it wasn't my intention, but...
[The incredible joy and relief of discovering his best friend alive is all but faded now, as the true complexity of the situation starting to take root. He sighs, casting his gaze to one side. Absentmindedly, he strokes Karuma, thumb lightly tracing along the twisting pattern of the tsuka-ito.]
I doubt this is any consolation, but... It has been eating at me for some time as well. Wondering just what it was you intended to do here. No one had the slightest idea... Susato-san wasn't aware you even had any goals to carry out here, beyond the study tour. I... I tried to carry on in your place, to see your wishes fulfilled. I wanted to honor your memory by doing at least that much... But without a single clue as to what your intentions were, I couldn't...
[He trails off.]
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None of that means anything to me.
[As soon as the words are out of his mouth he regrets them. They sound frustrated and petulant, and more importantly it's clear Ryunosuke is trying to comfort him by them, and it's cruel of him to dismiss that just because he's upset. He'd obviously thought of this Kazuma very highly and took his death very hard, and this can't be easy for him to deal with either. They must have been close, and he imagines being confronted with a drifting, purposeless ghost in Kazuma's place must be disappointing for Ryunosuke as well.
He just wishes hearing it had more meaning for him than mere words.]
But... thank you for trying regardless, I suppose.
[Technically he's thanking Ryunosuke on behalf of himself, but it doesn't feel like it. Would Kazuma be touched to hear this? He truly has no idea.]
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Well... I haven't given up. I do wonder if, perhaps, this is something we're meant to figure out together.
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You... want to help me figure out what my mission is?
[He isn't going to ask why again, because he knows he'll only get the same answer and that he won't be able to fully accept it. If he wants Ryunosuke's aid, he'll simply have to take it as it's offered. There's a better question, anyway.]
How? I have nothing to go on. I hardly know where to begin looking.
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He sighs.]
Well... That's not really so surprising, is it? You've no context to search within because you barely know anything about yourself. And until now, you haven't had anyone available who could help you fill in the blanks in your story.
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[His mind races at the proposal, and the fog of despair that descended on him when Ryunosuke admitted he knew nothing is already starting to feel a little lighter. There's very little question now that they previously knew each other--even if Ryunosuke doesn't have the particular answer Kazuma wants, he has others, and he is willing to help. More, he wants to help. That's already more resources than Kazuma had at his disposal just a few days ago.
This could be the resolution he's been searching for after all. Reluctantly, unbidden, he feels hope begin to bloom in his chest again, which is a very dangerous feeling.]
Perhaps there's a way we could piece something together. How well did you actually know me?
[Naturally, he has no idea how loaded a question that is.]
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Is asking anyone how well they knew a person whom they're clearly still mourning ever not a loaded question? Ryunosuke just isn't fully aware of how deep that pitfall is yet. He hasn't had much need to look at his relationship with Kazuma more critically, until now... And despite the lingering mystery of the details surrounding his 'secret mission', the man's apparent 'death' had only served to vault Ryunosuke's perception of him on to an even higher pedestal than before.
So, still being under the illusion of the wholesomeness of their friendship... For the first time tonight, Ryunosuke puts on a warm, easy smile.]
Hah... Well, you're in luck in that regard. The two of us, we... We were the best of friends. Partners.
[He doesn't say it outright, but he can't disguise the hope in his words... That they might reach that point again one day. Somehow...]
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[He realizes it isn't all that surprising, actually, to learn that they had been that close. His memory casts back to what Ryunosuke had said just moments ago--I tried to carry on in your place. I wanted to honor your memory. He'd mentioned another person, too--it's surreal for him to think that he truly did have a life this whole time. People who loved him and missed him for being gone. He's never known--never remembered, rather--what it's like to have those attachments.
And for Ryunosuke to have gone to the other side of the world to do it...]
You've... been doing quite a lot for me, haven't you.
[He doesn't quite know what to say in the face of that. Who was he to have inspired such a thing?]
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W-well I mean... Hah. I suppose so. [He fidgets bashfully.] I've just been doing what felt right...
[His demeanor sobers. He's still smiling, but the tone has shifted in some subtle way.]
Before you... 'Died...' You told me that I had the makings of a great lawyer. I brushed you off at the time, because frankly I had no intention of ever setting foot in a courtroom again if I could help it. But you... You had this dream, you see. Of reforming Japan's legal system...
[Ryunosuke trails off, feeling like he's starting to overshare a bit much. He figures Kazuma can draw whatever conclusions he likes from that information.]
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Regardless of whether it's true, it's obvious how much the idea has impacted Ryunosuke.]
So you decided to see it through for me, when I wasn't able to?
[It means nothing to him, and yet... he finds himself touched nonetheless.]
That's very admirable of you to do for a friend. Even a close one. Thank you, even if... I can't appreciate it the way...
[He wants to say "he would have," but it feels strange to talk about himself as if he was a different person. Even if that's how it feels. So he just trails off.]
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Th-there's no need to thank me, honestly...
[And indeed, he waves the notion off.]
Anyway! Um. The point I was getting at is: whatever you want to know, you can ask me.
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All he truly wants to know about is his mission, and Ryunosuke has no idea what that is either. Even if Ryunosuke does have the information needed to figure it out, how do they find it? It's like looking for a needle in a haystack, except the haystack is his own memories.]
You said I wanted to reform Japan's legal system. Did I ever say why? [Maybe something happened to him to give him that desire. Maybe his mission can be found there.]
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[How awkward is it, that he doesn't have an easy answer at the ready for the very first question he gets asked. Ryunosuke fidgets, twiddling his thumbs thoughtfully.]
If... If there was ever a specific catalyst for your decision in pursuing that, you never mentioned it to me. But... You were always so... I guess aware would be the word for it? You'd always chide me for not being more keyed into things; the ways in which the country was... is changing...
[While he speaks, a soft smile spreads across his face, as he thinks about all the fondly remembered debates held over lunch time hotpot.]
...You believed in the power of the people. That the government and courts should serve everyone, not just the interests of the elite. I don't think I fully understood that, why it was such a concern to you, until I wound up in the dock myself...
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All his worries are temporarily set aside, however, at Ryunosuke's last admission.]
You were in the dock? [He can't imagine someone as nonthreatening-seeming as Ryunosuke being accused of anything untoward, let alone him actually doing it.] What for?
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[He says it plainly enough. Eyes downcast.]
Well. I was framed for murder, actually, as it turned out... We figured that out together, over the course of the trial.
[And it's probably relevant for him to add:]
You... Were the only person who believed me, when I said I didn't do it.
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That can't possibly be true. You don't seem like you'd be capable of such a thing.
[Uh... no offense??]
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I'm not. [He'll cop to that.] But that didn't stop the police from arresting me, or the courts from making a case against me.
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[If it's true he used to be a law student, it's a natural thing to assume. People usually don't represent themselves in court, after all, and why else would he be involved in someone else's murder charge? It's somewhat ironic, then, that Stronghart has him training to be a prosecutor now.
He assumes he's right, so he doesn't wait for Ryunosuke to answer the question before asking another one:]
I take it I was successful, considering you're not in prison. Is that when we became friends?
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He should probably double back and correct that. Perhaps in a minute... He's eager to answer this question too.]
No no, actually, we... We met in our first year at Yumei University. At a speech competition.
[How's he supposed to explain THAT story? Kazuma honestly told it much better. When he could still remember it, that is...]
You, uh... You kind of lost. To me.
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You won the speech competition but I'm the lawyer? That doesn't seem right.
[He's not exactly accusing Ryunosuke of lying, but, well... the doubt is there. Are you sure you actually beat him at a speech competition, because that sounds fake.]
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...You accidentally worked a tongue twister into your closing line.
[Maybe that'll be enough to explain things on its own.]