[Honestly, he might have come to the right conclusion far more quickly if he gave a single shit about fulfilling his own orb-given goal. But the concept really hasn't been much on his mind, so it's only now that Kazuma is acting so odd that Ryunosuke is reminded of some other recent and ridiculous incidents among orbers...
He frowns for another long moment, and then his jaw drops.]
Hold on, is this...? Are you doing one of those, those stupid personal missions right now? The ones that the rest of the crew have been muttering about!?
All at once, the cheer drains from his face. Of course Ryunosuke would be upset by this. How could he not have realized? Kazuma had thought of his silly little mission as harmless, but Ryunosuke would take it as a sign he's interested in the orb's deal after all, after he'd sworn to the contrary. (And maybe he is, says a horrible little voice. Maybe that's exactly what this indicates.)
He can't think of a way to answer, truthfully or otherwise. He doesn't even know what would be the true answer to the real question. Instead he clenches his jaw and drops his gaze to the ground, unable to meet Ryunosuke's eyes; it's admission enough.]
[He wasn't expecting Kazuma to react with quite so much guilt, but that really says it all, doesn't it? Mere moments ago, Ryunosuke had been briefly willing to entertain the idea that maybe Kazuma was just doing it for a lark, but clearly that's not actually the case. It's obvious he knows exactly what the worst implications of his participation are.
Ryunosuke's expression hardens as much as his heart sinks. He sighs deeply.]
Alright. So are you going to knock off whatever this is that you're doing so we can talk normally?
[Kazuma opens his mouth, then closes it. Quite honestly, his first inclination is to pull out his sheaf of paper and ask for an extension--delay this conversation at least until he's completed his mission, so he doesn't have to start over.
But he knows it would only make Ryunosuke angrier to truly prioritize his orb mission over having a conversation that Kazuma brought on himself.
And... there's still time to do it later.
With resignation, he sighs and nods. No point in dragging this out.]
[Well... The fact that he concedes so easily at does least seem to mollify Ryunosuke somewhat. But the more he thinks on it, the more Kazuma's guilt-ridden reaction is really starting to trouble him. He tries to keep his expression neutral, but he can't really hide the worry behind his eyes.]
Alright then.
[Go on! What do you have to say for yourself, young man?]
[This is... not ideal. Kazuma has no idea how to actually guide this conversation; he can't really share his feelings with Ryunosuke when he's made a conscious effort not to think about them. There's only been a small seed of anxiety, of guilt, that's grown ever since Ryunosuke shared with him and Mikotoba what Viveca had confirmed about different timelines. An idea, unformed, that he hasn't quite examined yet. He's been afraid to.
It isn't that he's keeping things from Ryunosuke on purpose this time. It's that even he doesn't know quite what he wants.
After spending a few long moments contemplating what to even say, he settles on addressing the obvious issue.]
[What's he supposed to do here? He can't exactly go accusing Kazuma of things willy nilly, no matter how suspicious Ryunosuke may feel about his intentions. Maybe if he were on a case and there was a major trial breathing down his neck, he would be more aggressive in pressing him, but that isn't what's happening here. This is just two friends on the road, having... A really, really awkward conversation.
He lets out a long sigh, flicking his tail out anxiously.]
...Maybe it is, but. I don't know... I really don't trust them, Kazuma. [He keeps looking over at him as they walk.] I know I can't tell you what to do, but as your friend... It just worries me, seeing you go along with this nonsense.
[It's not something he meant to say, but he can't take it back now. So he decides to forge ahead with it instead--as much as he's been trying to avoid it, they've needed to have this conversation anyway.]
I'd had my doubts that any of this was even possible, but look at where we are. Look at us. [The two of them aren't even human anymore--who's to say time itself can't be just as malleable?]
All of this is real. Is it really so unbelievable that these orbs can do what they say?
[Ryunosuke stops as well, half a pace ahead, still turned towards his friend with increasing concern on his face. Kazuma... He's really thinking about doing it, isn't he? Following through on the orb's deal.]
...That's not what I meant. [In retrospect, maybe 'nonsense' was the wrong word to use.] It's not that I don't believe they're capable of it. It's that they almost certainly are, and that's exactly what worries me.
[He doesn't trust it. These items of great power that all but feed off of chaos, according to Viveca... Their offer rings as far too good to be true.]
Does it not strike you as hypocritical? That our mission as 'orbers' is to gather these things up and keep them from falling into the hands of the locals, because they're too dangerous to be left unchecked. So we do that... But we also assume we can safely use them for our own gain? Seriously Kazuma, what makes us any different?
[Kazuma takes a deep breath to calm his own agitation. Naturally Ryunosuke is able to see sense. He's always been the more clear-headed one. Every time, he sees to the heart of it.
It fills Kazuma with a strange shame, that he is so tempted and Ryunosuke is not. But he tamps it down.]
Nothing. You're right, of course. It's very possible that there's no way the orbs can safely be used, even by us. But...
[He clenches his fist, grimacing a little.]
But if there's a chance they could be, I thought... it wouldn't hurt. That's all.
[It's still an admission, and he knows it. That he's been thinking about it.]
[There's fear and disappointment there, in the way he says his name this time. It's an admission that causes Ryunosuke another thrill of alarm, followed by a surge of anger. This isn't new territory, of course; the conversation they'd had shortly after arriving had evoked much the same reaction he's having now. There's sure to be a number of things he's sure that Kazuma must feel immense regret over, but undoing any single one of them... After everything they'd gone through to find the truth?!
Ryunosuke can't stop himself from asking the question, even if this is neither the time nor the place.]
Kazuma, just... What is it, that you're hoping to undo?
[There it is. The topic they've been dancing around since they'd been brought here. They've mercifully been left behind by the rest of the party by now, which gives them some semblance of privacy, and that's the only reason Kazuma lets himself sag, a bitter smile crawling its way onto his face.]
I'm surprised you even need to ask me that, Ryunosuke.
[No, it isn't. Kazuma closes his eyes, the smile slipping off his face. He's avoided this long enough.]
I never should have agreed to the exchange in the first place.
[There.
Shouldn't it feel like a release, to admit something? Instead it feels like something heavy is pressing on his chest, forcing the air from his lungs. His expression is stony as he opens his eyes to look at Ryunosuke directly, searching his face for a reaction. Did he expect something different? Did he expect Kazuma to say attacking Gregson, or asking Ryunosuke to come with him to Great Britain?
(Perhaps that's what Kazuma should regret, or at least that he wasn't honest with Ryunosuke about why, but... he can't bring himself to regret asking at all. Not even knowing how much it had uprooted Ryunosuke's entire life. In that way, he's still selfish.)]
[For a long few moments, the admission hangs in the air between them. Ryunosuke stares back at him, his face unreadable for once. There isn't really an expression he can make that would adequately encompass all the complicated things he's feeling anyway...
After a few more agonizing seconds, he exhales a breath he hadn't realized he was even holding, and rubs his forehead in vexation.]
...I understand why you did, though.
[With no other means of reaching Great Britain, and the mystery of his father's death hanging over his head? Even if Ryunosuke doesn't fully approve, he understands completely why Kazuma agreed to the arrangement.]
I suppose I'm just... Shocked. You... You would really rather go back to a time where you're in the dark once more, and your father remains unjustly branded a villain?
[Kazuma grimaces, his hands clenching into fists. He knew Ryunosuke wouldn't fully understand, and that's why he hadn't said anything before now--or that's what he tells himself. How to explain that some of the truths exposed by that trial are too unbearable to live with? Ryunosuke couldn't know. He can walk forward knowing he never lost his integrity, that he made the noble choice at every turn and succeeded nonetheless. Kazuma has had to live with the man the trial exposed him to be every day since.]
I want to go back to a time before...
[He mumbles it out, and then trails off without meaning to, because the words he wants to say won't come together even in the safety of his own mind. He simply thinks of that moment, over a year ago, when Seishiro Jigoku had offered him a horrible bargain and imagines instead saying No, and the future that could have spun from that. One where he'd never learn what happened to his father, true, and he knows that's a world he'd still be miserable in, but it would be all the same to Genshin Asogi, still a faceless corpse in a nameless grave--knowing the truth doesn't change what's already happened. And in exchange--
He would not have allied himself with the man who had murdered his father in the first place. It makes him want to vomit, thinking how he'd been played for such a fool, how Jigoku had seemingly offered him a lifeline when he'd been responsible for all Kazuma's turmoil to begin with. He'd never have had to bear Ryunosuke's disappointment; they could stay the way they had been, innocent and uncomplicated and happy. Kazuma wouldn't have betrayed him, or Susato, or Mikotoba. He would never have had to lie to them. He wouldn't have to spend almost a year as a ghost, leaving himself to wonder afterward whether he'd hadn't lost parts of himself in the journey after all. He would never have raised his sword against Gregson. He would never have been hell-bent on convicting the wrong man and sold his soul in the process. He'd never have to confront what he's really capable of.
He does want that. Perhaps he'd still be miserable, sure, but at least he'd be secure in his own worth. At least, back then, he hadn't failed himself yet. He could continue on in blissful ignorance of that part of himself, knowing he'd taken the noble path.
But he doesn't know how to say any of that. So he shifts to something easier, and hopes Ryunosuke is perceptive enough to meet him halfway.]
[It's true. Ryunosuke can only imagine the struggles that Kazuma will have to face in the aftermath of everything. He's not unaware of that, nor is he unsympathetic. Really, he wishes with all his heart they could be of one mind about this. But the truth is... Now that the truth is out, the only thing Ryunosuke can think of are the numerous other lives that might wind up changed, or irrevocably ruined, if Kazuma goes through with this.
It feels cruel, though. To bring that up right now, to call him selfish in the face of this extraordinarily rare admission of vulnerability. So instead, Ryunosuke focuses on the road ahead, his expression somber.]
...It was.
[He can't disagree with that.]
But... You know that simpler doesn't always mean better, Kazuma.
[Kazuma does know. Of course he does. This is precisely why he needs Ryunosuke near him, to make Kazuma see sense when he's lost the thread of it himself. It's precisely what he values Ryunosuke for: the truth.
He just wishes that, just once, the truth could be a little easier to bear.
Kazuma sighs, massaging the bridge of his nose, and simply nods. It's not quite agreement, but it is a concession: he doesn't have a counterargument. Or, at least, he doesn't have one that he feels equipped to make at the moment.]
Can we... talk about this later? After the mission? [He winces; it sounds exactly like a dodge.] I promise I won't avoid it. I just... don't want to do this here.
[Something about not being in his own body makes him even less willing to put himself through emotional distressing conversations than usual. That, and the party has quite left them both in the dust at this point.]
[It does sound exactly like a dodge, and the look on Ryunosuke's face when Kazuma first says it indicates that's how he's reading it. But once Kazuma clarifies, he softens a little, and nods his assent.]
Yes... Alright. I suppose this isn't exactly the ideal time or place, is it?
[He squares his shoulders, ready to start walking again.]
Just one last thing, Kazuma: If you really feel the need to participate in these demands that the orbs hand out...? Don't involve me. Please. I don't want any part of it.
[They're not even from the same timeline, sure. But Ryunosuke knows his counterpart would feel exactly the same way, if he were here to hear all this. So he refuses to play a part in it. In undoing everything.
He starts walking again, that being his final word on the matter, at least for now. They can talk about something else while they try to catch up to the rest of the party. Anything else, ideally.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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He frowns for another long moment, and then his jaw drops.]
Hold on, is this...? Are you doing one of those, those stupid personal missions right now? The ones that the rest of the crew have been muttering about!?
[He looks scandalized by the mere possibility.]
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All at once, the cheer drains from his face. Of course Ryunosuke would be upset by this. How could he not have realized? Kazuma had thought of his silly little mission as harmless, but Ryunosuke would take it as a sign he's interested in the orb's deal after all, after he'd sworn to the contrary. (And maybe he is, says a horrible little voice. Maybe that's exactly what this indicates.)
He can't think of a way to answer, truthfully or otherwise. He doesn't even know what would be the true answer to the real question. Instead he clenches his jaw and drops his gaze to the ground, unable to meet Ryunosuke's eyes; it's admission enough.]
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Ryunosuke's expression hardens as much as his heart sinks. He sighs deeply.]
Alright. So are you going to knock off whatever this is that you're doing so we can talk normally?
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But he knows it would only make Ryunosuke angrier to truly prioritize his orb mission over having a conversation that Kazuma brought on himself.
And... there's still time to do it later.
With resignation, he sighs and nods. No point in dragging this out.]
Yes, all right.
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Alright then.
[Go on! What do you have to say for yourself, young man?]
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It isn't that he's keeping things from Ryunosuke on purpose this time. It's that even he doesn't know quite what he wants.
After spending a few long moments contemplating what to even say, he settles on addressing the obvious issue.]
I thought it would be harmless.
[Fulfilling the orb mission, that is.]
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He lets out a long sigh, flicking his tail out anxiously.]
...Maybe it is, but. I don't know... I really don't trust them, Kazuma. [He keeps looking over at him as they walk.] I know I can't tell you what to do, but as your friend... It just worries me, seeing you go along with this nonsense.
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Is it really nonsense?
[It's not something he meant to say, but he can't take it back now. So he decides to forge ahead with it instead--as much as he's been trying to avoid it, they've needed to have this conversation anyway.]
I'd had my doubts that any of this was even possible, but look at where we are. Look at us. [The two of them aren't even human anymore--who's to say time itself can't be just as malleable?]
All of this is real. Is it really so unbelievable that these orbs can do what they say?
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...That's not what I meant. [In retrospect, maybe 'nonsense' was the wrong word to use.] It's not that I don't believe they're capable of it. It's that they almost certainly are, and that's exactly what worries me.
[He doesn't trust it. These items of great power that all but feed off of chaos, according to Viveca... Their offer rings as far too good to be true.]
Does it not strike you as hypocritical? That our mission as 'orbers' is to gather these things up and keep them from falling into the hands of the locals, because they're too dangerous to be left unchecked. So we do that... But we also assume we can safely use them for our own gain? Seriously Kazuma, what makes us any different?
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It fills Kazuma with a strange shame, that he is so tempted and Ryunosuke is not. But he tamps it down.]
Nothing. You're right, of course. It's very possible that there's no way the orbs can safely be used, even by us. But...
[He clenches his fist, grimacing a little.]
But if there's a chance they could be, I thought... it wouldn't hurt. That's all.
[It's still an admission, and he knows it. That he's been thinking about it.]
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[There's fear and disappointment there, in the way he says his name this time. It's an admission that causes Ryunosuke another thrill of alarm, followed by a surge of anger. This isn't new territory, of course; the conversation they'd had shortly after arriving had evoked much the same reaction he's having now. There's sure to be a number of things he's sure that Kazuma must feel immense regret over, but undoing any single one of them... After everything they'd gone through to find the truth?!
Ryunosuke can't stop himself from asking the question, even if this is neither the time nor the place.]
Kazuma, just... What is it, that you're hoping to undo?
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I'm surprised you even need to ask me that, Ryunosuke.
[After all, he has plenty to choose from.]
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That's not a real answer, Kazuma!
[He is beyond agitated by this.]
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I never should have agreed to the exchange in the first place.
[There.
Shouldn't it feel like a release, to admit something? Instead it feels like something heavy is pressing on his chest, forcing the air from his lungs. His expression is stony as he opens his eyes to look at Ryunosuke directly, searching his face for a reaction. Did he expect something different? Did he expect Kazuma to say attacking Gregson, or asking Ryunosuke to come with him to Great Britain?
(Perhaps that's what Kazuma should regret, or at least that he wasn't honest with Ryunosuke about why, but... he can't bring himself to regret asking at all. Not even knowing how much it had uprooted Ryunosuke's entire life. In that way, he's still selfish.)]
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After a few more agonizing seconds, he exhales a breath he hadn't realized he was even holding, and rubs his forehead in vexation.]
...I understand why you did, though.
[With no other means of reaching Great Britain, and the mystery of his father's death hanging over his head? Even if Ryunosuke doesn't fully approve, he understands completely why Kazuma agreed to the arrangement.]
I suppose I'm just... Shocked. You... You would really rather go back to a time where you're in the dark once more, and your father remains unjustly branded a villain?
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I want to go back to a time before...
[He mumbles it out, and then trails off without meaning to, because the words he wants to say won't come together even in the safety of his own mind. He simply thinks of that moment, over a year ago, when Seishiro Jigoku had offered him a horrible bargain and imagines instead saying No, and the future that could have spun from that. One where he'd never learn what happened to his father, true, and he knows that's a world he'd still be miserable in, but it would be all the same to Genshin Asogi, still a faceless corpse in a nameless grave--knowing the truth doesn't change what's already happened. And in exchange--
He would not have allied himself with the man who had murdered his father in the first place. It makes him want to vomit, thinking how he'd been played for such a fool, how Jigoku had seemingly offered him a lifeline when he'd been responsible for all Kazuma's turmoil to begin with. He'd never have had to bear Ryunosuke's disappointment; they could stay the way they had been, innocent and uncomplicated and happy. Kazuma wouldn't have betrayed him, or Susato, or Mikotoba. He would never have had to lie to them. He wouldn't have to spend almost a year as a ghost, leaving himself to wonder afterward whether he'd hadn't lost parts of himself in the journey after all. He would never have raised his sword against Gregson. He would never have been hell-bent on convicting the wrong man and sold his soul in the process. He'd never have to confront what he's really capable of.
He does want that. Perhaps he'd still be miserable, sure, but at least he'd be secure in his own worth. At least, back then, he hadn't failed himself yet. He could continue on in blissful ignorance of that part of himself, knowing he'd taken the noble path.
But he doesn't know how to say any of that. So he shifts to something easier, and hopes Ryunosuke is perceptive enough to meet him halfway.]
It was just... so much simpler back then.
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It feels cruel, though. To bring that up right now, to call him selfish in the face of this extraordinarily rare admission of vulnerability. So instead, Ryunosuke focuses on the road ahead, his expression somber.]
...It was.
[He can't disagree with that.]
But... You know that simpler doesn't always mean better, Kazuma.
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He just wishes that, just once, the truth could be a little easier to bear.
Kazuma sighs, massaging the bridge of his nose, and simply nods. It's not quite agreement, but it is a concession: he doesn't have a counterargument. Or, at least, he doesn't have one that he feels equipped to make at the moment.]
Can we... talk about this later? After the mission? [He winces; it sounds exactly like a dodge.] I promise I won't avoid it. I just... don't want to do this here.
[Something about not being in his own body makes him even less willing to put himself through emotional distressing conversations than usual. That, and the party has quite left them both in the dust at this point.]
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Yes... Alright. I suppose this isn't exactly the ideal time or place, is it?
[He squares his shoulders, ready to start walking again.]
Just one last thing, Kazuma: If you really feel the need to participate in these demands that the orbs hand out...? Don't involve me. Please. I don't want any part of it.
[They're not even from the same timeline, sure. But Ryunosuke knows his counterpart would feel exactly the same way, if he were here to hear all this. So he refuses to play a part in it. In undoing everything.
He starts walking again, that being his final word on the matter, at least for now. They can talk about something else while they try to catch up to the rest of the party. Anything else, ideally.]